


Little Things

by deweydrops



Series: Four Seasons- A Modern Logyn AU [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Accidents, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autumn, Baking, Confrontations, Cookies, F/M, Family Drama, Family Feels, Fear, Gen, Graduate School, Guilt, Hair Braiding, Hair Washing, Halloween, Health problems, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Lawyers, Libraries, Medical, Medical Procedures, Mild Blood, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Protective Loki (Marvel), Scars, Surgery, The X-Files References, This One's Gonna Hurt, Weddings, trivia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:34:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 38,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27195188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deweydrops/pseuds/deweydrops
Summary: Autumn follow up to Ever Since We Met and Something New Under the Sun. Sigyn and Loki are put to the test when a seemingly minor mishap in the library leads to some major health problems for Sigyn. Can Loki rise to the occasion when she needs him most? Can Sigyn learn to see the light inside a long tunnel? Can they both learn to ask for the support they need? Modern AU drawing from MCU and plenty of nods to the Norse Myths.
Relationships: Loki/Sigyn, Loki/Sigyn (Marvel)
Series: Four Seasons- A Modern Logyn AU [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1797586
Comments: 59
Kudos: 26





	1. Date Night

The sun had set when Sigyn stepped off the bus, a few blocks away from her condo, taking all the warmth from the October day with it, leaving a damp mist that would turn to frost over the night. Sigyn pursed her lips and checked the time. Not even a week ago, the sun was still out when she returned after her Thursday Metadata class, yet now, even with the street lamps lit, there was no denying autumn had arrived in earnest after a long, warm September. She pulled her cardigan close, wishing she hadn't left her heavier jacket at home, even though she hadn't needed it when she left earlier that day. She picked up her pace to escape the impending cold, dashing up to the condo. Fallen leaves scattered about the sidewalk as she hurried, checking the time. She was running right on schedule, despite was the early sundown would have her believe. Class may have been over, but she had one more very important commitment for the day.

The local independent movie theater not far from the condo was screening classic horror films every Thursday throughout the fall. Sigyn had never seen most of the films on the schedule, so heading down to the theater every Thursday, along with a nice dinner, became a standing date night for her and Loki. Tonight, they'd be heading down again. Eager to leave the complex lessons of her class behind for now, she rushed up the stairwell and through the lobby.

Barely two months had passed since she'd moved in with Loki. It had taken a little adjusting, some discussion over the minutiae of chores, routines, and the meshing their lives together, but they'd made it work. Sigyn wasn't quite used to calling the upscale building her home, though she'd spent more than enough time there. Walking alone through the golden double doors and grand lobby with its long walkway, and the finely landscaped courtyard in the back gave her the impression that she was merely passing through. Just a guest who didn't belong, a nagging voice in her mind telling her those she passed didn't think she was one of them, either.

But it wasn't the condo itself, nor the people residing in it, that made it home. No, it was merely a building, in the end. That she kept her belongings here, spent her nights here, that did not make it home. And yet it was home. Because it was where she came at the end of her days to see Loki. And his smile confirmed, as it always did, that she belonged here. Wherever he was, _that_ was her home.

“Hello, darling.” Loki greeted her as soon as she opened the door to the condo with a peck on her cheek. “How is _ma belle bibliothécaire_?”

Sigyn stopped dead in her tracks at the sight of him, mouth agape. “You have got to be kidding me.”

“What's the matter?” Loki asked, a devilish smile on his lips.

“You know...” Sigyn pointed at Loki's outfit with a huff.

Loki could wear a burlap sack and still be resplendent with elegance and grace, and still keep Sigyn enthralled by his beauty. Instead, he'd chosen dark rinse jeans, a plain black t-shirt that dipped to V at his collarbone, the green scarf she'd given him draped around his neck, and...the leather jacket. _The_ leather jacket that gave Loki a slight dangerous edge to his sharp, princely features, that made her inside warm and tingle in a way that it impossible to focus on anything else. The one that had caught her completely off-guard when he'd first started wearing it, after the first cool day of the year. For how could she possibly look at a movie screen with such an enticing sight right next to her? Worst of all, she'd be quite unable to do much about it for the next few hours, until they were alone again.

It was unfair, really.

He'd even left his hair curling slightly and just tousled enough that her fingers itched to dig in to the inky waves.

The _nerve_.

“I'm afraid I do not,” Loki claimed though his cheeky smile indicated otherwise.

Sigyn stammered. “You looking like that...looking at me like that...speaking in French...like that...leather jacket...”

“Well surely I must say warm somehow, darling.”

“Yes but...” Sigyn's breath hitched. “It's that...you look so...it does things to me.”

“Hmm?” Loki's feigned innocence told her he knew damn well the effect he had on her. “Do tell.”

“I may need to skip the movie, if you're going to insist on being so absurdly handsome.” Sigyn set her messenger bag aside, moving her wallet and keys into her purse that hung from the coat rack. “I don't think my body can wait. It's just rude, Loki.”

“Consider it a bit of payback,” said Loki, cupping her chin.

“For what?”

“For what all those itsy little sundresses of yours did to me all summer,” Loki purred, running a hand down to the hemline of her skirt, stopping just at her thigh, lightly pushing the fabric up. “Not that the tights and skirts have eased my frustrations at all. And those leggings of yours, with those long loose sweaters showing off your shapely legs...” Loki tsked. “Now those are downright _cruel_.”

“Fair enough,” Sigyn said, giggling at the tickle of Loki's teasing fingers. “So we'll both have a little frustration tonight.” She threw her pink jacket over her shoulders. “Where are we thinking for dinner?”

“We did Pita Party last week...” Loki said as he locked the door to the condo. “And sushi the week prior.”

“Praise Cheeses?” Sigyn suggested, referring to the gourmet grilled cheese bistro that recently opened in a renovated old church. “It's a good night for tomato soup.”

“Rather busy,” said Loki. “I'd prefer someplace a bit less crowded.”

“Patty-gogy?”

“Always a pleasing choice,” said Loki kissed her temple as the elevator door opened. “Let's go.”

“And how was your day?” Sigyn asked as they walked the city streets. The wind kicked up leaves from the street into the air.

“Same as always, though we did have our quarterly All Heads meeting today,” Loki replied.

“ _Heads_?”

“Laufey's version of All-Hands meetings. He says it's because all of our _minds_ are needed.”

“What goes on at those?”

“Typically the entire firm gathers in the largest conference room while Laufey spends over an hour reciting statistics and numbers at us and complimenting himself while the rest of us tune him out and contemplate all the things we ought to be doing.”

“Sounds like a blast.”

“Free bagels, though,” Loki remarked. “And your class today?”

“Confusing,” Sigyn sighed. “Technical things aren't really my strong suit. Each time I think I've got it, I find I have no idea at all.”

“It'll come,” said Loki. They'd reached the restaurant and Loki held the door open for her. “You're clever.”

Patty-gogy, a burger joint a few doors down from the theater, was known for having a customized burger menu. Once seated, Loki and Sigyn took the sheets on the table, along with the little pencils, and filled in the empty boxes: protein, type of bun, sauce, toppings, premium toppings, extras, and so on.

Loki, having chosen mostly at random, whatever he hadn't selected yet, finished within a few seconds. Sigyn pored over her sheet, looking it over and over, marking some boxes, then going back and erasing occasionally, then moving on and back again.

“Oh dear. Did you pick up an SAT exam by mistake?” Loki asked, watching Sigyn's meticulous decision-making.

Sigyn checked her work. “I need to make sure all these selections will work together...I think I've got it.”

“Take your time, love,” said Loki while Sigyn filled in her selections. “I enjoy seeing one of your many charms in action.”

“Speaking of action,” Sigyn began after the waiter took their orders. “Halloween is coming up soon.”

“It is.”

“Do you have anything you like to do? Plans? Traditions?”

Loki gave a quick shake of his head. “Not in particular. It's not been an occasion I've had reason to celebrate over the past few years, though it was my favorite time of year growing up.” Law school and the pressures of early career success had allowed Loki little time to think of anything else, until most holidays became just another day of the week for him. He'd hoped to start changing that.

“Would you like to do something? Doesn't have to be a lot.”

“I may be amenable,” said Loki. “I take it you've some ideas?”

“Well, there's an After Hours night at the museum coming up,” Sigyn suggested shyly. “I hear it's being set up like a macabre mausoleum of sorts. And Mantis said Quill wanted to go to this corn maze way out on the fairgrounds. Oh, and one of the theaters is having a scary storytelling event that Friday...There's also Fetter Grove Park's Spooky Sundowns...but I don't know about that one...”

“Why the apprehension?”

“I'm not generally a big fan of haunted houses,” Sigyn confessed. “The actors always seem to target me, even when I'm with a big group of people. It's like there's an arrow pointed right over my head. I can't imagine what walking through an entire haunted theme park would be like.”

“You are quite adorable when you're startled.”

“The last time I went, a creepy clown hit on me.”

Loki choked on his drink. “Truthfully?” He sputtered out as he tried not to laugh.

“Truthfully. It didn't help that Nanna kept encouraging him.”

“But in character, yes? Surely he didn't break just to flirt with you?”

“No,” Sigyn huffed. “I thought it was just a joke thing at first, just a little banter, but at the end he followed us out, wanting my number and everything. Even Nanna was a bit uncomfortable by that point.”

Loki grimaced. “How unpleasant. So you've been soured on haunted attractions.”

“I wouldn't say soured,” Sigyn replied. “So much as a bit wary. But I wouldn't mind doing something for Halloween. Doesn't need to involve costumes or anything. If you'd like.”

“Of course I would like,” said Loki. “We'll think of something.”

After dinner and their movie, Sigyn and Loki returned to the condo, taking the elevator back up to their floor.

“That was an interesting movie,” Sigyn mused. “The practical effects held up really well, even if the CGI didn't.”

“It was the 1980's,” Loki replied. “Most computer effects of the era don't hold up at all. Still, an impressive debut from Clive Barker, possibly one of the most imaginative minds in horror. Terribly underrated.”

“You really know your horror films, huh?” Sigyn commented.

“Hela would watch them at night all the time,” Loki explained. “Rentals from the video store she'd pick out on her way from school on Friday. I'd sneak downstairs after everyone else had gone to bed and watch along from the stairwell, ducking away whenever she turned. I thought I was being so stealth, so clever, but I think she knew I was down there, too, though she never said anything. Our open secret.”

“Well, I appreciate your expertise,” said Sigyn. “I'm enjoying having you as my host of horror.”

“And I enjoy learning more of your tastes,” Loki said with a squeeze of her hand. “For example, you're not much of a gore fan, are you?”

“Not especially. Why?”

Loki lifted his forearm, revealing a number of small, red half-moon marks the size of fingernails on his skin. “You did this each time those hooks sank into someone's flesh.”

Her eyes widened. “Oh! I'm so sorry. I didn't realize-”

“It's alright,” Loki soothed with a chuckle. “We've both learned an important lesson tonight.”

Once they'd returned home, Sigyn stretched out on the flannel sheets that covered their bed, they'd taken the place of the silken sheets when the number of cold nights began to outnumber the warm ones. She pulled two pieces of paper from her nightstand, looking them over and murmuring the lines to herself, biting her lip when she stumbled over a word or two. She took a breath, then tried again from the beginning.

“Practicing?” Loki remarked as he stepped out from the bathroom.

“It's two days away. I'm so nervous,” Sigyn replied, pausing her work. “Practice helps. I want to at least sound like I know it.” Her father's wedding was on Sunday. Though a small, informal affair, she'd been asked to give a reading at the ceremony, two brief selections chosen by his fiancee, Cynthia. Months ago, she'd enthusiastically agreed to the reading, but as the day drew closer, she grew more worried about her role in their big day. She wanted everything to go well for her father, and hoped she wouldn't be the reason the ceremony wasn't a success.

“A stumbled line or two won't ruin the occasion, sweetheart,” said Loki, as though reading her thoughts. He sat before her on the bed. “They will not be less married if your reading isn't perfect.”

Sigyn set aside her papers. “I know...it's just that my dad was so unhappy for so long and I want him to finally have a really special day. So I want to get my part of it right.”

Loki brought down his forehead to touch hers. “Your role will be splendid, darling. And if you're in doubt, take a breath. Why don't we focus on your pleasure for tonight, and not your nerves?” He kissed her forehead.

“Funny you should say that,” Sigyn remarked, setting aside her readings. She pulled him close beneath the sheets, kissing him deeply. “For I believe now is the time you made good on all the frustration you caused me with that leather jacket of yours.”


	2. Better and Worse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sigyn experiences a minor accident and a big case of jitters.

Saturdays were Sigyn's long day at work, an eight hour shift in the shelving and stacks department of the university library. With the fall semester in full swing, there were plenty of books and material being checked in and out daily, and many clerks needed to keep them on the shelves. She'd finished shelving the morning book drop and returned to the lower basement level of the library, where the clerks worked, checking in large carts and bins before taking up to be shelved. Now she checked in the reserved books, writing the students' name on a yellow slip and placing the book on a cart to take up to the circulation desk.

From the hall, the elevator door opened. Pietro stepped out, his empty cart with him, seemingly minutes after he'd left with the very same cart packed to the brim.

“Think I broke my record,” Pietro boasted, returning the empty cart. He was always at the top of the shelving stats, with impossibly fast times. “What is next?”

“What's next is some straightening on third stack until the noon book drop,” said Wong, from his back desk. “Or perhaps checking in Sigyn's A/V bin.”

Pietro picked up the bin of CDs, DVDs, and various non-print items on top of Sigyn's cart. She nodded her thanks. The phone on Wong's desk rang. He picked up on the second ring.

In addition to Pietro, his twin sister Wanda also worked the Saturday shift, along with Bucky, who usually stayed quiet and kept to himself, and Nebula, who studied robotics and whom Sigyn recently learned was Gamora's sister, though she spoke little of her family and kept her distance.

Most of the library clerks were students, like Sigyn, though all from different programs. Even Wong, their boss, was pursuing a doctorate in Archival Science and preservation. And so he didn't mind if the clerks worked on assignments for their classes during their downtime. At the moment, Wanda, Bucky, and Nebula did exactly that.

Wong hung up the phone and looked over his shoulder. “2nd floor Reference has a fetch.”

“Not it.”

“Not it.”

“Not it.”

“...Huh?” Sigyn glanced up, preoccupied with her task.

Nebula's glower was all the Not It Sigyn needed to realize she'd been stuck with the fetch. The librarians on duty often needed to retrieve materials from the closed stacks while assisting students. They'd call upon the shelving clerks to retrieve the items in question. While they got credit for each fetch they did, added into their efficiency stats, most of the clerks profoundly disliked the task.

Reluctantly, Sigyn made her way up to the second floor reference desk, finding the slip for her fetch at the end of the long table where the librarians on duty sat. The slip listed the materials needed: Three volumes of Time Magazine: 1970, 1971, and 1972. At the top corner, the librarian drawn a little doodle of an octopus with a speech balloon surrounding the word “Thanks!” Sigyn smiled at the illustration before setting off to the closed stacks, taking the elevator to the 7th floor.

She found the Time volumes, nearly 10 decades of them, along the back wall, the late 1960's and 1970's near the corner.

Her eyes followed the along the rows until she found the three volumes, all on the very top shelf, right in the corner. She searched for a stepping stool, finding one not far away, and brought it over. The stool couldn't quite reach the corner, its legs too bulky to position right in the corner, but she made do. She stepped up, though even the added height still left the volumes just barely within reach. She stretched as far as she could manage, reaching the 1970 volume, tugging the heavy tome from the shelf. She placed on the floor, returning to her awkward position. She reached further, for the 1971 volume, leaning, grasping, until her fingers tugging at the wide spine. After a bit of finagling, she pulled the second volume down, placing on top of the first on the floor.

Now for the last volume, 1972. The furthest from her reach. Even fully extended, on tiptoe, her hand was just out of reach from the final volume, but with the stool placed as close as she could get it, she swatted the spine towards her, jostling it closer with after a few attempts. She'd just gotten it close enough to grab hold when her balance shift forward, dropping out from under her.

She barely had time to react when the stool buckled under her foot, sending her crashing down into the floor, landing on the books. Her chest slammed hard against the heavy covers, pain ripping through her muscles and knocking out her wind. The final books came crashing down inches from her head, landing with a loud thud.

“Ah!” She cried, her entire body wrenching in pain. The inside of her chest throbbed as though an explosion ripped through it. She took several breaths, still on the floor, fearful she may have been hurt worse. Gradually, she got to her feet, gingerly checking to make sure nothing felt broken. Certain she was fine aside from the smarting pain and her own rattled nerves, she picked up the three volumes and left, bringing them down to the reference desk.

She carried about the rest of her day, shelving, straightening, checking in, while the pain gradually subsided. By the time she clocked out, she was only mildly sore, surely nothing at all to worry about.

*

The next day, Sunday, was the big day. Walt and Cynthia's wedding. Sigyn woke with a mild throb in chest, and a few bruises along her midsection, but nothing would stop her from enjoying the day.

She spent much of the morning preparing her contributions to the cookie table and reciting her readings. She'd chosen two recipes- leaf-shaped sugar cookies, a nice, straightforward choice that fit the outdoor autumn celebration, and maple pecan cream puffs, something a little more challenging to make, but elegant and suited to a special occasion. The leaf cookies finished cooling, while Sigyn turned her attention to the cream puffs, filling a pipe bag with the maple cream and meticulously piping it into the puffs.

No sooner had she set down the mixing bowl of cream than Loki appeared by the kitchen island. Fresh out of the shower, his long velvet bathrobe loosely tied and his damp hair combed back off his face. “Ooh, you've been busy, my love.”

“Just about finished,” said Sigyn, focusing on her cream puffs.

Loki's eyes fixed on the discarded mixing bowl, set by the sink. “Perhaps you'd like assistance with cleaning up?”

“Go ahead,” Sigyn laughed. “I don't need it anymore.”

Loki snatched the mixing bowl, along with a spoon, and scraped out the remaining unused cream. “Exquisite,” he remarked between samples.

“I thought you were here to help clean?” Sigyn teased.

“I am.” Loki held up the bowl. “As you will see, there is now less cream in the bowl than when I started. Ergo, I am cleaning it.”

“I see,” said Sigyn. “Not the most efficient means. Maybe I ought to help?”

“Ah, but you've got so much more to do.” Loki held bowl out of her reach as he scraped more cream. “Leave it to me, darling.”

Sigyn giggled, turning her attention back to the cream puffs. Loki finished scraping the bowl, then hovered over the cooling leaf cookies.

“I don't think so!” Sigyn warned as Loki lifted a cookie from the sheet. “Not until the wedding!”

“Quality control,” Loki replied. He showed her the pilfered cookie, one of the very last from the sheet, cobbled from scraps of dough and crammed at the very edge of the sheet before going in the oven. The finished cookie came out slightly squished. “This one turned out more lump than leaf, yes? Hardly befitting a special occasion.”

Sigyn gave a resigned sigh. “Okay, you may take that one...and only that one, for now.”

She nearly finished filling the cream puffs and was about to move on to the final step when Loki forearm appeared over her shoulder.

“Oh, no, I am not done with those!” Sigyn cried as Loki pilfered a few pecan pieces from her measuring cup.

“Just making sure these pecans are sufficient to adorn such fine confections.” Loki winked. “Though being so small it is difficult to obtain an accurate sampling.”

“Your insight is valuable I'm sure...” Sigyn pushed the bowl out of Loki's reach.

“Of course. I'm your assistant.”

“You're a menace!”

“Am I?”

“Yes!”

Loki leaned in close, hands on their side of Sigyn's hips, gripping the counter so as to keep her in place, mischief glinting in his eyes. His hand slid down her back, resting on her hip. His hot breath tickled her skin as he leaned in close, lightly nipping her neck.

“And how is this for menace?” He murmured, pressing in close.

Ah!” Sigyn cried out at the sharp pain as his chest pushed against hers.

Loki paused, leaning back. “What's wrong? Not now?”

“I fell yesterday,” Sigyn replied, wincing at the pain. “I think I'm still a little sore. Hit my chest pretty hard.”

“You didn't tell me that...”

“It's not a big deal,” Sigyn shrugged. “Just a rough tumble off a stool.”

Loki looked at her collarbone. “Shall I get you anything for it?”

“I'll be alright,” Sigyn waved her hand. “Besides, we do need to make sure we have everything ready. Rain check?”

By the time they were set to leave, the cream puffs were assembled and wrapped up on their serving trays along with the leaf cookies, the kitchen was cleaned, and Loki had changed into sleek trousers, a deep blue button-down, and a relaxed black blazer. He adjusted his cuff links, waiting for Sigyn to finish getting ready.

She emerged from their bedroom in her plum, knee-length wrap dress, a small gold clip in her hair. She'd wrapped a green plaid shawl over her shoulders for extra warmth, and soft ballet flats. “Are we ready?”

“Not yet,” said Loki, looking her up and down. “You're not fully dressed.”

“What do you mean?”

“One more touch needed, I think,” said Loki. He quickly produced a small, rectangular box. “Perhaps this?” He handed her the little package.

“For me?” Sigyn took the box, lifting the lid to reveal a golden bracelet, with small, multicolored leaf charms dangling from its chain. “It's beautiful!”

“May I?” Loki lifted the bracelet from the box as Sigyn held out her wrist. He clasped the ends of the bracelet together over her wrist, securing it. The leaf charms danced along as Sigyn moved her hand. “Ah, yes, that was this missing piece. You're all set now.”

“But why?” Sigyn asked, looking over the bracelet. “Why did you get this for me?”

“Why not?” Loki grinned. “I like finding things for you. I may have done a little exploring of Folkvang plaza after my appointment with Dr. Mimir.”

She kissed his cheek. “Thank you.”

They arrived at the park with 30 minutes to spare, following the instructions on the invitation to the gazebo and picnic area rented out for the occasion. The area practically glowed with golds, reds, greens, and rich browns from the autumn leaves lingering in the surrounding trees and littering the ground. Gourds and pumpkins decorated the rows of seats, the tables, and lined the gazebo. Apple blossoms, calla lilies, orange gerberas, yellow roses, and chrysanthemums adorned the trellis in front of the gazebo, all the centerpieces, and the runner down the aisle. Though a small wedding, the pockets of guests increased in number at the hour grew closer, some already seated, other chatting near the long tables set up under the tents for the reception. No sign of her father, Idunn, or Cynthia, but they'd appear soon.

Sigyn brought her trays over to the cookie table set up along the back area. Nearly filled, every inch of space packed with all manner of cookies and pastries, with the cake in the center, she cleared just enough room to set down her offerings.

“Si- _gyn_!” Aunt Hilda trilled. Sigyn looked over her shoulder to see the older woman waving to her, making her way down to the cookie table. “Sigyn, dear! Hello!”

Sigyn pursed her lips. “Ugh, not now,” she said under her breath. “Can't she at least wait until after the ceremony to start in on me? I'm already a wreck...”

“There you are!” Hilda said, coming up behind her. Sigyn turned, plastering on the most sincere smile she could muster. Hilda gave her a quick peck on the cheek before pulling back. She scrunched her face at Sigyn's outfit. “Oh dear, why have you chosen to look so-”

“Gorgeous?” Loki cut in before the older woman could finish, his arm firm over Sigyn's shoulder. He grinned at Hilda. “I know, isn't she? She can't help it.”

Hilda sputtered. “Well, I...”

Loki gave an understanding nod. “It's an understatement, surely. But few words can describe such a heavenly creature, yes?” He gave Sigyn a quick glance and a reassuring smile.

Encouraged, Sigyn found her voice. “It's good to see you too, Aunt Hilda,” she said with a polite nod. “But we should probably get seated soon. It's almost time to begin.”

Just as they turned away, Sigyn spotted Idunn emerging from the treeline, back from the tent where Cynthia was getting ready. She waved her sister over. While Sigyn had been asked to give readings, Idunn assisted by helping with the floral arrangements and doing Cynthia's makeup for the day.

“Hi!” Idunn greeted her sister with a tight hug. Sigyn bit back a cry of pain until Idunn released her. “How are you two? Enjoying living together?”

“We are,” Sigyn replied, letting out a breath. “Have you seen Dad? How is he?”

“It's been a little crazy this morning,” Idunn admitted. “I've mostly been with Cynthia. But, I don't think either of them have stopped smiling all day.” She sighed. “It's been a long time since I've seen Dad this happy.”

They found their seats, Sigyn and Loki near the very front, with Idunn right behind. Gradually, the seats behind them filled, while Walt made his way to the front, standing by the podium with the pastor. As Idunn said, his rarely seen wide grin on full display. Sigyn couldn't even recall the last time she'd seen it.

His grin grew wider at the sight of Cynthia at the far end of the aisle. Dressed in a soft peach gown with lace sleeves and gold accents, her hair swept up and secured with the apple blossom and lily flowers that matched those on Walt's boutonniere. Her father, assisted by his walking cane, held her by the arm. Her eyes shone in the warm autumn sunlight while everyone rose to watch her come down the aisle.

Cynthia joined Walt under the trellis, taking hold of his hands as they stood before the pastor. Everyone took their seats, and the pastor began.

“Good afternoon,” the pastor began. “We are gathered here today to celebrate the union of Walter and Cynthia...” Sigyn's throat dried as the pastor spoke. Her moment was coming shortly.

“First, Walt's daughter Sigyn will give us a reading,” the pastor gestured toward her. Sigyn rose, took her place at the podium. She ruffled her papers, keeping her eyes away from the audience before her, took a breath, and began.

“ _I cannot promise never to be angry; **  
**I cannot promise always to be kind. **  
**You know what you’re taking on, my darling **  
**It’s only at the start that love is blind.”_

Her pulse thrummed under her skin while she read. She pressed on, determined not to let her voice waver despite her tightened throat and racing heart.

_**“** And yet I’m still the one you want to be with **  
**And you’re the one for me – of that I’m sure. **  
**You’re my closest friend, my favorite person, **  
**The lover and the home I’ve waited for. **  
**I cannot promise that I will deserve you **  
**From this day on. I hope to pass that test. **  
**I love you, and I want to make you happy. **  
**I promise I will do my very best.”_

The first selection finished, Sigyn found herself strangely breathless, though her heart began to race. She switched papers, a simple gestured that took an eternity with her trembling fingers, breathing in before continuing.

“ _Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens._ _  
A good marriage must be created.  
In the art of marriage the little things are the big things…  
It is never being too old to hold hands.  
It is remembering to say “I love you” at least once a day.”_

Sigyn paused as her head went light, her legs unsteady. She gripped the podium to continue. Her heart, she realized now, wasn't just beating, it was _fluttering_. Fast and uneven and out of sync. She struggled to keep her breathing steady, and dropped her head for a moment to clear the splotches in her eyes. Trying not to think about all the eyes on her, she continued.

_“It is never going to sleep angry.  
It is at no time taking the other for granted;  
the courtship should not end with the honeymoon, it should continue through all the years.  
It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.  
It is standing together facing the world.  
It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.  
It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude_

Her legs threatened to give way under her, and her head swam. From the corner of her eye, her father leaned over to the pastor “Can you get her some water?” she heard him murmur.

_“...of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy.  
It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.  
It is not looking for perfection in each other.  
It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humor.  
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget._

A glass of water appeared before her, held by Idunn. She grasped it, taking a long sip. It did little to ease the strange rhythm of her heart, nor her breathlessness, but she powered through the last few lines.

_“It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.  
It is finding room for the things of the spirit.  
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.  
It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal.  
It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.  
It is discovering what marriage can be, at its best.” _

The reading mercifully over, Sigyn gave a quick bow to polite applause. Her cheeks flushed as she hurried away from the podium, afraid to meet Walt and Cynthia's eyes. She'd blown it. All that practice and her nerves got her anyway.

“Are you okay?” Loki whispered as Sigyn took her seat.

“Just my nerves,” Sigyn whispered back, though the fluttering hadn't ceased. “I'm alright.”

The ceremony resumed. The pastor went on about various metaphors for love, for getting it right the second time, that it's never too late to find real love. Through it all, Sigyn's attention wavered. Over and over she replayed her reading, how she must have looked, what the others must be thinking. What Walt and Cynthia would think. Their eyes were fixed solely on one another, but she knew she'd messed up their day. She wished to sink into the ground and under the leaves, which did little to quell the fluttering.

“You may kiss the bride,” the pastor announced. Walt embraced Cynthia, kissing her with a robust flair. Everyone applauded as the newly-married couple walked together down the aisle.

After the ceremony, the guests gathered under the tents for the reception, mingling and sampling canapes and cocktails. Walt and Cynthia returned to their guests just as dinner was served. They took the table with Sigyn, Idunn and Loki.

“Lovely ceremony,” Idunn remarked as she waited for her butternut squash soup to cool. “I'm so happy for you two.”

“And thank you for the lovely florals,” Cynthia replied. “And my makeup.”

“And thanks to Sigyn for the readings,” Walt added.

“I'm sorry I flubbed,” Sigyn said, taking a sip of her mulled cider. “I just got a little-”

“No, hon, you did fine,” Cynthia assured, lightly squeezing Sigyn's arm. “You sounded great, you knew the reading, and you recovered.”

“I'm glad you got to be part of our day,” said Walt. “Both of my daughters.”

“And Loki, too,” Cynthia added.

Loki, who had spent most of the conversation listening while nursing his own cup of mulled cider, glanced up. “What?”

“We were so excited when Sigyn said you were coming, too. Made good use of her plus one,” said Walt.

Loki, accustomed to having a quick reply for nearly every potential remark, argument, thinly-veiled insult, found himself at a rare loss for words. Walt's words, so far as he could tell, were earnest. Loki could hardly recall the last time he'd felt so readily welcomed, so _wanted_ , by any group of people with no apparent ulterior motive. He had little idea of how to react.

“In fact we're hoping we'll get to see more of you over the next few family gatherings,” said Cynthia. “If Sigyn is so inclined.”

“Yes, well, th-thank you,” Loki stammered, hoping they wouldn't notice how his cheeks colored. Sigyn took his hand under the table, looking up at him with a reassuring smile.

“Your honeymoon is coming up, too, right?” Sigyn asked, changing the subject to give Loki a chance to recover.

“Very soon!”

“We leave in just a few more days,” said Walt. “Trip of a lifetime, can't wait.”

“Where are you going?” Loki asked, swiftly regaining his composure.

“Europe, two weeks, just the two of us exploring,” said Cynthia. “It'll be a new experience, being on a flight as a passenger.” She'd worked as a flight attendant for a few decades before taking an early retirement deal, and now taught yoga part time.

Sigyn smiled. Her father had always wanted to travel more, and after so many years of stress and money being tight, and being alone, it heartened her to see him finally get to achieve some of his goals.

“Which reminds me, I'll have a list of places we're staying, and a timeline of where we're headed for you girls,” said Walt. “Along with contact info. Just in case.”

The reception continued as the sun set in the park. After dinner, music began and some guests either danced or wandered off to enjoy other areas of the park. Sigyn allowed herself to relax a little. Loki seemed to keep an eye on Aunt Hilda, for every time the older woman tried to get near Sigyn, or corner her, he wouldn't be far away, casually strolling over with an eager peck on the cheek for Sigyn and a polite redirection of whatever Hilda had to say. His vigilance paid off, for eventually Hilda left Sigyn alone, realizing she wouldn't be getting her two cents in tonight.

A slower tune started to fill the air. Loki stood and offered his hand. “May I have this dance?”

Sigyn accepted his hand. Her heartbeat, which had steadied over the evening, fluttered again as Loki lead her away from the tent. He pulled her close, one hand at the small of her back, the other taking her right hand, and swayed with her to the music.

_Is it my turn to wish you were lying here?  
I tend to dream you when I'm not sleeping _

“You are so beautiful,” Loki remarked as they danced under the autumn twilight, leaves falling down all around. “I can never quite believe it sometimes, that you are with me.”

“I love you, Loki,” Sigyn said simply, resting her head against his shoulder. She closed her eyes, reluctant to open them again.

_Is it my turn to be the one to cry?  
Isn't it amazing how some things completely turn around? _

Her eyes were heavy, and a dull ache wore at her muscles. All her energy abandoned her, leaving her feeling so though she'd been awake for several days straight, though she'd only been busy for the better part of the evening.

_If I have to take apart all that I am_  
Is there anything that I would not do?  
'Cause inside I'd die without you 

Once the song ended, Sigyn's arms fell limp from Loki's shoulders. She struggled to steady herself as her breath left her, as though she'd been dancing for the past several hours and not just for one song.

“Darling?”

“I think I need to sit down,” Sigyn replied. “I'm drained.”

Loki supported her with his arm steady around Sigyn's waist, leading her to a nearby chair. “It has been a long day. Would you like to go home?”

“Probably should wrap up soon,” Sigyn agreed. Though she'd hoped to celebrate a bit longer, it seemed she'd fallen under the weather. The evening chill added to her desire to curl up in bed.

“So, what do you think? We finish here, then perhaps some tea, an episode or two of _X-Files_ before bed?”

They'd been watching old episodes of the _X-Files_ since September. Sigyn had never seen the series before, since she'd been too scared of the title sequence growing up to give the show a try, but it had been one of Loki's favorite shows as he grew up, made all the more appealing that it was the first “adult” show he'd ever started watching.

“Sounds like a plan,” Sigyn replied, with a small thumbs-up. Her body felt little better even after sitting down, but she allowed Loki to help her up. They said their goodbyes and made the walk back to the parking lot. 

“I enjoyed today,” Sigyn remarked as they drove away from the park, a plate of cookies in her lap. “Weddings aren't usually my preferred way to spend my weekends, too formal, too many strange rules and always some kind of drama.”

“Ah yes,” Loki agreed. “The one occasion no one actually wishes to attend, yet everyone has a very strong opinion of what the couple should and should not do, and feels they must make their feelings known. Often loudly.”

“Or the couple in question decides their big day means they get to play tyrant with all their friends and family,” Sigyn added. “How they dress, what their hair should look like...my older cousin even made all her bridesmaids get their teeth laser-whitened and do some kind of juice cleanse. Her sister tried to point out to her that this wasn't safe for a lot of people to do and, frankly, a bit much to ask...it became this whole meltdown. There's arguments about it to this day. Luckily I wasn't asked.”

“I'm told Frigga's mother wore all black to her and Odin's wedding,” Loki commented.

“ _No._ Why?”

“Something about the choice of colors,” said Loki. “Which nearly lead to an entire boycott of the whole thing. Though I suspect she wasn't overly fond of someone nearly her own age marrying her daughter.”

“That _is_ a fair point,” Sigyn conceded. “Although the first wedding I ever attended, when I was nine...the poor bride was so stressed she cried under the table, while her new husband just kind of looked confused the entire time, like he didn't really know why he was there, and based on body language, didn't really know her, either.”

“I mean, truthfully, it's so much more trouble than it's worth,” Loki concluded. “If two people wish to legally bind their lives together, must they truly drag everyone they know into it?”

“So, you'd never want to...do that?” Sigyn asked after a small pause. “Someday?”

“I didn't say I was _opposed_ to it, being married,” said Loki. “Only that I don't wish to do it the usual way.”

“How would you want to do it?”

“My way.”

Sigyn gave a small laugh. “But what is your way? Something...big? Small? Eloping? Vegas?”

Loki pondered. “Private,” he said after a while. “Just a few of our closest family and friends, followed by the most breathtaking honeymoon wherein I shall romance you as you have never been romanced before.”

“Our? _Me_?”

Loki furrowed his brow. “Well yes. Who else would I be speaking of?”

Sigyn's cheeks flushed. “I never thought anyone would want to do that...with me.”

Loki grasped her hand. “And suppose someone did desire to...do that. With you. What would you prefer?”

Sigyn shrugged. “I never gave it much thought...but I like your idea. Something private, just us doing what we like. Our way.”

They drove along in contented silence for awhile. Sigyn's Halloween playlist coming through the speakers. The park, and its wedding lights faded into the distance, when a certain revelation came upon Sigyn.

“Hold on,” Sigyn spoke up. “Did we just...have our first talk about...”

“It seems we did.”

They glanced at one another and laughed.

“So...you think we might...one day?” Sigyn asked.

“Yeah. Do you?”

“Yeah. I do.”

For the rest of the night, Sigyn was far less concerned when the fluttering returned, now that she could attribute it to a lovely source.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The readings Sigyn gives are A Vow by Wendy Cope and The Art of Marriage by Wilfred Arlan Peterson. The song they dance to is “I'd Die Without You” by PM Dawn.


	3. Frightening Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sigyn's health begins to take a turn for the worse.

Sigyn trudged off the bus and walked up the streets to the Information Sciences building where the majority of her classes were held. Mondays she had her Collection Development class at 10:00 AM followed by work from 4-8 pm. A longer day, but just enough of break between that she could spend some time studying in the campus courtyard when the weather allowed. Not her longest day of the week, but today the hours between now and when she'd get back home seemed interminable.

She'd slept poorly last night. Crawling into bed, the pain in her chest subsided, but she simply could not catch her breath when she'd laid down. Her heart slowed, but never beat quite right, leaving her unable to rest despite her fatigue. Each time she'd tried to close her eyes, she'd envision her breathing might stop altogether, and the fear would force them back open, until finally she could not stay awake any longer.

Before heading into the building, she stopped at the little coffee shop located right in the midst of the academic buildings. She stared at the menu, looking over the drinks, but only seeing words strung together that her mind struggled to comprehend. She came here all the time, yet she couldn't seem to recall what she liked to order. She overheard someone saying “Salted caramel latte” and realized that sounded familiar. Her mind cleared, and she ordered then went on her way.

The fluttering resumed as she made her way up the steps, spiking when she reached the top of the second floor. She paused by the water fountain, catching her breath. She'd walked the flight of steps so many times before, not even a few days ago, and had never found herself to winded, as though her lungs lacked the room for air. She made her way to the classroom, sighing with relief as she found her seat and her heart and lungs seemed to settle. She sipped the latte, hoping the extra caffeine would push away her fatigue.

Her attention wavered as the class went on. Sigyn closed her eyes, squinting at her notes, but unable to connect what she'd written to what the professor was saying. She'd been following along but...at some point, she'd lost track. She tried to re-gain her focus, but the lecture had gone too far ahead for her to catch up. She'd have to re-watch it later over CourseWeb.

Later, at work, Sigyn joined Bucky on the fifth stack, where the oversize art books were kept. They were in the midst of a shifting project, moving the older art books down to the closed stack and moving the remaining books onto newer, higher shelves. They'd alternate tasks, one filling a cart with the books to be moved and bringing them over to their new destination, while the other placed the books on the shelf in their proper order.

“It is nice working with someone who moves at roughly the same pace as me,” Sigyn commented as they switched spots so Sigyn could stock the lower shelves. She crouched down as Bucky handed her the books off the cart.“Pietro moves so fast I feel like a slacker in comparison.”

Bucky said little, simply handed her armful after armful of books, sometimes in stacks too big for her own arms. Sigyn quieted down, unsure what to say to him, as he seemed intensely private. Something about him reminded her a little bit of Loki, an undercurrent of pain underneath.

She'd finished filling the bottom shelves, and rose to her feet to switch spots with Bucky. As she straightened, her head swam, with colored splotches clouding her vision. She blinked, yet it still took several moments for the rush to clear.

“You okay?” Bucky asked.

“Yeah, yeah,” Sigyn replied, gasping for breath. “Just stood a little too fast.” She grasped the cart, picking up the next few books to hand over. Her heart fluttered again from the exertion, but she brushed the sensation aside until it went back to normal.

When they'd finished their time on the shifting project, Sigyn made her way back down to the shelving department. She caught sight of her hands, realizing how dusty, almost gray, they'd turned over the afternoon. She stopped by the bathrooms, washing the grime away. She grabbed a paper towel to dry her hand, but noticed her fingertips still looked unclean. Still a grayish blue color. She washed again to clear away the stubborn dust, yet the odd tinge remained at the very tips. She pressed the skin, pushing slightly, and the tinge faded away, her skin turning back to normal.

Sigyn furrowed her brow at the alarming sight. She pressed her fingertips over and over, ensuring the tinge wouldn't return. When her fingertips remained at their usual hue long enough for her to dry her hands, she returned to the shelving department, making a note to check her fingers every now and then, and hope the odd blue coloring would not return.

Sigyn endured the next few days, her symptoms subsiding just enough for her to feel comfortable joining Mantis and her friends at pub trivia before Halloween. With only two classes in the afternoon, she'd gotten through the day just fine, and hoped she'd returned to normal.

She walked into Valkyrie's, spotting Mantis as she waved her over to their table. Sigyn waved back before stopping in front of the bar.

“Hey, Curls,” said Valkyrie, the eponymous bartender, with a friendly wink. “What'll it be?”

“Ciderhouse Bad Apple,” Sigyn replied, looking over the draft list.

“Good choice.”

Sigyn waited for a moment while Valkyrie poured her drink. The small dive bar filled up quickly as the trivia hour drew near, and soon the bar patron queued up around her to order. She stepped out of the way to allow more room for the people behind her. Since she'd been invited by Mantis' half-brother Peter Quill to join them for pub trivia, she'd started coming here on the first and third Wednesday each month. It had started as a way to stay in touch with Mantis after they'd moved out of their apartment, though she'd been wary of returning to Valkyrie's after her first time there had proven a less-than-pleasant experience. Heartbroken, fresh off her break-up with Loki, she'd come here under the arm of someone she barely knew, who didn't care about her at all, and abandoned her here along after the buses had stopped running for the night. She did not desire to revisit the events of that evening, and had hoped Valkyrie didn't recognize her, and that she would not see the man who'd left her again. Yet if Valkyrie had recognized her from that night, she'd never let on, nor she ever seen the man from that night again. She liked coming down here now, as she'd gotten past her initial worries.

A part of her sometimes wished Loki would come down some time, though she did enjoy having a solo activity with her friends. Yet Loki had his reasons for wanting to avoid this place. Thor and his friends were regulars here, but they tended not to come on trivia night, preferring Friday nights instead. Still, she understood why Loki didn't want to risk encountering the group. While he and Thor had made some inroads into healing their fractured relationship, Loki desired limited contact with his brother. Thor had made some strides for the better, he could still prove quite brash and insensitive, particularly when he'd been drinking. And particularly when he was egged on by his companions. And so Loki kept away from Valkyrie's, yet never begrudged Sigyn coming down for trivia.

Draft in hand, Sigyn found her way to her companions. Mantis, Quill, Gamora, and Drax, had taken their usual table near the back wall.

“Hey guys,” Sigyn took the free spot next to Mantis. She first-bumped the group. “How are you?”

“Ready to kick some ass,” Quill replied, narrowed his eyes at the table near the front. His rival team, who called themselves the Sovereign after the elite private college they attended, seated like royalty in their eerily similar outfits. They often won the trivia nights, and Quill seemed to regard their victory as a personal slight, particularly since their own team often trailed behind in second or third place.

Korg, the bouncer who hosted pub trivia, came up to the table set up front, off to the side of the bar. His usual Hawaiian shirt replaced by an orange one covered in jack-o-lanterns. “Hey everyone,” he said into the mic attached to the mini speaker. “We're just about to start our Halloween special trivia, have some fun, and learn some spooky new facts. Any last minute teams wanna sign up?”

Mantis had already signed up their team- they called themselves the Guardians of the Galaxy for some reason Sigyn had yet to understand, as they'd all given slightly different explanations for the name. Quill tapped his pen against the table as he waited for the game to start. They'd gotten so close to winning at the last few times, he knew they'd beat the Sovereign one day.

The first round began with sports questions, multiple choice as most of the rounds were. Drax took the lead, as he was far more enthusiastic about the topic than anyone else. So much so, Gamora kept having to remind him not announce the answers out loud, as she often had to do. Sigyn tried to pay some attention, but the questions meant almost nothing to her, and so she stayed quiet and sipped her Bad Apple.

After the first round of questions, they'd gotten 9 out of 10 right. Drax cheered his own victory while round two started.

The second round involved matching slasher film icons with the movie franchises they'd appeared in. Quill attempted to take charge, but as he and Gamora argued over Michael Myers and Jason, Mantis slipped the paper across the table, gave it a quick look, and filled out the entire sheet on her own, returning to Korg with a perfect score.

Sigyn perked up at the next round, history, something more within her interests.

“Alright, our first haunted history question is: On January 15, 1919, Boston was the site of which disaster: A) The Horrible Hot Sauce Landslide. B) The Incredible Ketchup Catastrophe. C) The Great Molasses Flood, or D) The Terrible Relish Riots?”

“The answer is none,” scoffed Quill. “Those are clearly made up.”

“It has to be one of them, there is no none of the above,” said Mantis. “I think it is A.”

“I say, the answer is D,” said Drax. “For I too would riot over terrible relish.”

“It has to be C,” said Gamora. “It's the only one that doesn't sound like a stupid joke.”

“You're all idiots,” said Quill. “I'm going with B.”

All eyes went to Sigyn.

“Um...” Sigyn hadn't quite listened closely to the question as it was read. She'd heard it spoken, but it had all come to her as a jumble of words.

“Which is it? A, B, C, or D?” Quill asked. “Need a tie-breaker.”

Sigyn cheeks flushed that she'd missed the question. “What was...”

“Something in Boston, like a hundred years ago,” Quill explained again. “Was it, the Ketchup catastrophe, terrible relish stuff...or hot sauce carnage or whatever the one was...”

“Molasses,” Mantis added.

“Yeah, that,” Quill went on, growing impatient. “So which of those was it?”

_Hot sauce? Molasses? Terrible? Boston? A B C D..._ Sigyn closed her eyes, forcing herself to focus on the question but now the words made even less sense to her. What did they want from her? A letter? The condiments?

“Uh..C?” She said after a long pause.

“C?” Quill narrowed his eyes. “You're not just saying that because Gamora picked it? You're sure it's not B?”

“No, no,” Sigyn replied. “I...I think it's C, yeah.”

Reluctantly, and with a disbelieving shake of his head, Quill filled in the C bubble.

For the rest of the round, Sigyn struggled to bring her mind to the questions, but a strange haze had taken over her faculties, as though trying to peer at something in the distance through dense fog. A sense of unreality permeated her surroundings, as though she were in a very realistic dream, but a dream no less. Korg's words, as he read out the questions, reached her ears, but held no meaning.

“And that wraps up round three,” said Korg, after the questions were complete and scores totaled. “First place, Team Sovereign with a score of 390, second place, Team Guardians of the Galaxy in second place with a score of 310...”

“Alright, guys,” Quill huffed. “We gotta ace this next round, do some serious catch up.”

“I have a list of scrambled Edgar Allan Poe short stories here,” said Korg, holding up a few slips of paper. “Unscramble as many as possible, and bring them back over.” Mantis, closest to the front, brought a slip over for the next round.

Quill immediately pushed the paper over to Sigyn, along with the pen. “Get 'em.”

Sigyn stared at the sheet in front of her. Ten rows of letters, clustered, scrambled, and a line next to each one to write the proper title. Under ordinary trivia nights, she excelled at the word scramble, and since this particular one involved short stories, she ought to have it in the bag. Staring at the letters in their seemingly random clusters, Sigyn had no idea where to begin. It was hard enough trying to follow actual words tonight, now interpreting letters daunted her. Her mind had nowhere to settle, no means of making sense out of what she saw.

“Sig.” Quill tapped their table. “Not seeing a whole lot of unscrambling goin' on.”

“Sorry...um...thinking...”

Behind him, the Sovereign hurriedly filled out their answers, along with the other teams. Meanwhile, the Guardians' sheet stayed blank.

“Can ya think a little faster?”

“I'm trying...” Sigyn pleaded. “Poe...” her mind turned to the short stories, but all memory of the author's work abandoned her. “Raven...?”

“I shall name some of them, perhaps it will help,” Drax said. “Tattletale Heart? Castle of the Armadillo? Usher's House Fell Over?”

“Dude! Dude! You're saying 'em too loud again,” Quill cut in. “Let her do it!”

The Sovereign had brought over their completed answers, finishing first as usual. Quill scowled in their direction.

“Come on, Sig,” Quill persisted. “We're lagging.”

“You're not helping, Quill,” Gamora warned.

Pressure mounted, yet the sheet made even less sense. As the other teams returned their answers, Sigyn clutched the pen. The more she forced herself to concentrate, the more her thoughts muddled.

She fixed on the first cluster of letters, perhaps working one at a time would jog her memories. But the letters meant nothing. Drax continued to list titles at her, this time at a lower volume, but his voice faded into the background.

“Sig?”

Hyper aware of the eyes on her, Sigyn's pulse throbbed under her jawline.

And her heart.

It was _fluttering._

She let out a gasp.

“You got one?” Quill's voice rose in excitement.

“No I...” She swallowed hard. “Can't...”

“What? Whaddya mean you can't?” Quill huffed.

Heavy fatigue plagued her. “I'm just...I'm not feeling well,” she said after a moment, pushing the sheet back to the center. “I'm sorry.”

“Do you need a ride home?” Gamora offered.

“But...the Sovereign are...” Quill whined. Gamora narrowed her eyes, instantly silencing him.

“No, it's alright,” Sigyn stood, gripping the table to keep her balance. “I'll see you guys later.”

She pushed through the packed bar to the exit, into the sharp night air. She stumbled slightly as her foot slid under the fallen leaves. Tears pricked at her eyes, from embarrassment and shame over letting down her companions.

“Sigyn!” Mantis called. Sigyn paused as her friend caught up with her. “Sigyn, we are sorry we upset you. You don't have to leave just because Quill was being a jerk.”

“It's not that...” Sigyn protested. “I...I need to go home. I feel lousy.”

Mantis' eyes widened. “Will you be alright going back? You do not need a ride?”

“I'll be okay,” Sigyn assured, though her legs grew unsteady. “I just need to lay down.”

“Feel better!” Mantis replied, though she didn't seem wholly convinced by Sigyn's words. Nevertheless, she returned to the bar. Sigyn resumed her walk to the bus stop that would take her to the condo. Though just a few blocks, it seemed interminable, as though her body could not stand another step. She persisted, pushing through her exhaustion until she reached home at long last.

“Hey.” Loki, who'd been reading on the sofa, looked up at her in surprise when she opened the door, yet the sight of her brought a smile to his lips. Music played quietly in the background, and the light from the lamp added a gentle glow to his features. “Back rather early, are you not?”

“Uh-huh,” Sigyn gasped. Loki's smile vanished at her distress. He leapt to his feet, tossing the book aside.

“What's the matter?” He grasped her shoulders, helping her out of her coat, concern in his eyes.

“I...I'm feeling a little sick.” Sigyn fought back the wheezing from her breath. “Had to leave.”

“You're shaking.” Loki pulled her close, leading her to the couch. He helped her onto the cushions and looked her over. “And very pale.”

Relieved to be back home, Sigyn leaned onto the cushions and closed her eyes. Her heart's fluttering eased somewhat.

“What happened?” Loki asked, smoothing back her hair.

“I don't know...” Sigyn murmured. “I felt okay and then...trivia started and I tried to stay a few rounds but...I got so tried, Loki. I couldn't even think straight.”

Loki put the back of his hand against her forehead. “You don't appear feverish. Just fatigued?”

She thought of her fluttering heart and gasping breaths, but shook her head. “Nothing alarming,” she replied. “I'm already feeling better now that I'm home.”

Loki kissed her forehead. “You're in luck. I was just about to pause my reading to make tea. Would you like some?”

“Oh, I didn't mean to interfere with your solitude,” Sigyn said. “You don't have to interrupt your reading just for me, I can go lay down.”

“And why should the presence of my beloved lady trouble me? I am always delighted to see you,” Loki assured. He rose, heading over to the kitchen to prepare the kettle. Sigyn, finding herself oddly cold despite the warmth of the condo, draped the flannel throw blanket over her shoulders. On the coffee table, the Sweater Weather candle burned, three little flames flickering over the wax, and the scent drifted over the living room. Sigyn's breathing settled, and she breathed in the crisp, woodsy aroma. Much as she was glad to be home, she thought over her abrupt departure from trivia, guilt creeping up her spine.

As the kettle heated, Loki returned to the sofa. “You're troubled.”

Sigyn shifted under the throw blanket. “I let them down.”

“Who? Your trivia companions?”

“We were in the middle of a round about Edgar Allan Poe,” Sigyn explained. “I should have aced it, but...that's when I started feeling miserable. I left under the pressure.”

“You've every right to go home when you're not well, Sigyn,” said Loki. “No true friend would begrudge you an early night.”

“They must think I cracked under the pressure.”

“Then they should not put such pressure on you.” Loki patted her arm. “I am certain no one thinks less of you tonight. You'll make up for it next time.”

Sigyn rested her head against Loki's shoulder. “This is why I love you,” she sighed. “You always know how to make me feel better.”

Not long after she'd laid down, kissed Loki goodnight, and turned off the light, a few small coughs escaped her mouth. She lay back in the dark, but the cough only worsened as she tried to rest. She curled on her side, glancing over at Loki's figure beside her, hoping he wouldn't wake. It was no mere tickle in her throat, the source came from deeper within, as though her lungs needed to expel something that should not be there. She clenched her jaw in a vain attempt to keep quiet, but her chest ached from the effort, the coughs unrelenting. She curled in a ball on her side, but pain her chest forced her to straighten. She sat up, breathless, a fist to her mouth to quell the coughs.

Only when she was upright did the coughing cease. She closed her eyes, taking deep breaths until her chest settled. She propped her two pillows up against the back of the headboard, leaning back so that she'd be mostly upright as she tried to sleep. Hardly a comfortable position, but at least the coughing would stop.

“...darling?” Loki peered over at her from his side of the bed.

“Getting comfortable,” Sigyn replied, trying to relax. “I'm alright.”

“You're coughing.”

“Just a little under the weather,” Sigyn murmured, closing her eyes. “It's nothing. Nothing.”

At the end of the long week, Halloween night arrived. A cold, rainy, day that descended into a cold, rainy evening. Wet leaves clung to the ground and piled up all over the streets, clogging drain pipes here and sewer grates. Yet the dour weather did not spoil Sigyn's mood, nor did the occasional fluttering of her heart, coming when she shelved and going when she sat. Certain she'd be fine after a little rest, she eagerly awaited the end of her shift, hoping to enjoy some of the night's festivities.

The inviting aroma of paprika and warm spices filled her nose before she even opened the door to the condo. Sigyn and Loki usually handled dinner preparation on a fairly loose arrangement. Whoever came home first cooked, and the other would handle washing the dishes. Loki, who'd been off most of the day, liked to have it ready by the time Sigyn returned from her shift.

“Mmm,” Sigyn breathed in as she came inside. She wandered into the kitchen and kissed Loki's cheek. He was hovering over a bubbling stock pot. “Smells wonderful in here.”

“Goulash,” said Loki, stirring the liquid. He leaned back to kiss Sigyn. “Perfect for a rainy autumn night.”

“For Halloween night, no less,” Sigyn replied. She picked two bowls out of the cabinet, along with spoons. “Speaking of which, final thoughts on plans for tonight?”

They brought their bowls over to the dining room table, where Loki had placed a warm loaf of bread. He furrowed his brow at the question. “That depends. How are you feeling?”

Sigyn tilted her head. “What do you mean?”

“You were coughing quite a bit again last night,” said Loki. “Are you still unwell?”

“My throat kept tickling,” Sigyn replied with a shrug. She'd assumed the memory foam mattress would have kept her from waking him. Yet it seemed she'd roused him after all. “I'm sorry if I disturbed you. But I'm fine.”

She feared he might not want to go out if he thought she was getting sick. Yet with no fever, no sneezing, no sore throat, and no headaches, she had little reason to believe she was getting sick. She'd been so busy all semester, her classes more challenging, pulling extra hours at the library when she could, it must have all been stress. She'd take it easy over winter break, after final projects and fewer hours at work.

“We can stay in tonight,” Loki suggested. “We've got popcorn, we can watch movies, sip our wine, if you're not feeling well.”

“It's Halloween,” Sigyn protested, eager to enjoy the evening. She'd been looking forward to going out with Loki all week. “Can we come by the museum? Just for a little?”

“As you wish, love,” Loki replied. “Whenever you're ready.”

Cheered, Sigyn quickly finished the dishes after dinner. Changing into the spider-web knit tights, a black lacy skirt with a dark purple blouse, and her bat necklace, her energy returned. It had taken a little effort to get her tights on, as they seemed unusually snug around around her ankles and calves, yet she paid little mind in her excitement. They set out, the weather still wet and cold, with raindrops sprinkling the Jaguar's windshield but never a full downpour.

The museum's back entrance near the parking lot, was lit with orange and purple lights all along the corridor. Cryptic signs lead to the ticket booth, and beyond that, the Victorian Gothic décor and various booths and activities along with the usual exhibits. Eerie music and strategically placed dry ice machines enhanced the creepy atmosphere.

“Where to first?” Sigyn asked, looking over the little list of activities on each floor. She draped the orange and black beads they'd given out by the ticket booth over her neck. “We get one drink each with our tickets, cash bar after that...there's pumpkin painting...scavenger hunting... _Oddities and Curiosities_...and looking over the regular exhibits.”

“Perhaps we go to the top and work our way down?” Loki suggested. “Fewer people up that way, I suspect.”

“It's also where the sea creatures exhibit is,” Sigyn noted. “You're partial to that one, right?”

“I may have a fondness for it, the unfathomable depths used to unsettle me,” Loki replied as they took the elevator to the upper floor. “But in a way that simultaneously piqued my curiosity. Learning about it eased my fears.”

“I've always liked the gemstones,” Sigyn commented. “Seeing all those shiny, sparkling rocks that came from the ground. And the dinosaurs.”

As they explored the museum, Sigyn looked over the balcony at all the guests gathered below. Many had worn costumes, but not all, and Sigyn wished she'd had more time and money to put together a costume of her own, though the end of October had snuck up on her. In her youth she'd come up with dozens of ideas for costumes, eventually settling on her top three, then settling on one. Time moved so quickly anymore, she'd barely even spared it a thought. She looked over at Loki, with his sharp, angular features, dark curling hair, eyes that switched between green and blue, pale skin, and black clothing, he'd fit the theme of the evening without even trying. Beside her on the balcony, he looked like the Lord of a macabre manor overlooking his estate.

“You really match the style tonight,” Sigyn remarked. “Even without a costume.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, the whole Victorian thing. It suits you. You're like...a prince. Gothic royalty. Enigmatic and handsome.”

Loki gave a slight smile. “My peers said I looked sickly, in my youth. Too frail, too thin...I hated that I could never look like Thor, the inevitable comparison in which I always came up short.”

“Loki,” Sigyn smoothed his arm. “Please don't think you're inferior just because you aren't Thor. You have so many admirable qualities. You have a sensitivity, a beauty about you he does not possess. Most people don't possess what you do. It's why I was drawn to you when we first met. You weren't like anyone I'd ever seen before. I couldn't _not_ look at you.”

“Thank you, darling. Truly.” Loki seemed to cheer somewhat at her words. “It's a difficult process, to unlearn the lessons I've been taught my whole life. I do mean to try.”

“I know,” said Sigyn. “I'm glad you're progressing.”

“Mmm.” Loki straightened, leaning away from the balcony. He brushed aside the somber thoughts the conversation had brought him. “Shall we progress through the exhibits? I don't wish to leave without getting our money's worth.”

*

That night, Sigyn had just barely fallen asleep when an abrupt coughing fit forced her awake. A deep pounding in her chest, as though her lungs tried to push out something that should not have been there. She tried to keep her mouth closed, but her abdomen ached from the painful contractions of her gut. She gasped to catch her breath, but no air would come. A metallic tasting liquid filled her mouth. In a panic, she kicked off the sheets and dashed into the bathroom, flicking on the light.

Crouching over the sink, Sigyn spat into the basin, which only worsened her cough. Her heart, no longer simply fluttering, but racing wildly out of sync as the room around her spun.

Her vision cleared long enough to peer into the sink. Her stomach dropped in horror at the sight of splatters of pink froth all over the basin. She touched a hand to her lip. It too, came back with the pink substance all over it.

A cry of terror escaped Sigyn's throat, involuntary, bubbling up between more coughs. She blinked tears back from her eyes, legs sinking to the ground in horror. This was not stress. This was not a cold, nor flu. Something was indeed very, very wrong. What was happening to her?

The door burst open. Loki called her name.

His arms took her as she collapsed, her vision blurring to black. 


	4. Broken Heartbeat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki and Sigyn get some bad news.

The hour ticked on towards midnight. Loki watched the clock above the reception desk in the ER waiting room as seconds, minutes, then hours passed. His eyes, when they tired of the waiting room door, watching doctors and nurses and patients file in and out and past him, they fixed there, for nothing else held interest.

His fingers tugged at the hem of this sleeves. Little pink splatters dotted his shirt, from when she'd coughed as he'd held her, the only response he'd gotten before she went limp.

Her terrified cry sounded in his ears. The shock of her terror that jolted him awake reverberated down his spine even now.

He'd managed to switch into action, the only way to counteract his profound fear. He'd called 911, explained what happened, their location, Sigyn's symptoms, how the paramedics could access the building, administered the CPR as advised during the wait, not letting her go until he heard the medics arriving outside. Only then did he set down to allow them in. They'd surrounded her, collecting her vitals, asking him questions, lifting her onto a stretcher. He'd followed, taking her purse and jacket for the return home. Her body hadn't moved once through it all. He hadn't seen nor touched her since letting the paramedics in. He'd managed to stay calm, collected, doing all he was told, his voice never even breaking as he spoke.

In the waiting room, the rush over, his stomach twisted, his pulse raced in the agony of uncertainty. He thought over her symptoms over the past week. At the wedding, her dizziness and fatigue, her exhaustion after trivia night, the coughing...and those were the just the ones he knew of. How else had she suffered? What hadn't he seen? What hadn't she told him?

How bad was it?

A nurse appeared in the doorway, looking him in the eye. “She's stable. And asking to see you.”

He followed the nurse to emergency room 4. Sigyn sat up on the bed in the center, an IV in her arm and a fearful look in her eyes. Her mouth still bore the deep red stain from when she'd coughed, yet it was a relief to see her awake and responsive. Her lip quivered when she saw him.

“Sigyn,” Loki rushed over, wrapping his arms around her. Sigyn's rested her hands against his back, sighing into his shoulder.

“Loki...” 

“I'm here,” Loki replied, brushing his lips over her head. “I'm here.” His hand slid down the length of her arm. “What's happened? Have they said anything?”

“Running all kinds of tests. They're saying I have fluid build up in my lungs, but they're not sure why. They've asked me about my symptoms, my history...I told them about when I fell and they...” She closed her eyes. “Loki, I'm...”

Loki took a seat beside her, holding her hand. “Shh,” he soothed. “It's alright. You're safe now.”

They waited together in silence. Loki holding Sigyn's hand, running his thumb over her knuckles. Sigyn leaned back onto the pillows, listlessly looking out the window. The rain hadn't let up all evening, and it rattled against the glass like icy chips. Loki looked her over, his mind turning with what could possibly be happening to her body, when she seemed healthy on the surface.

Finally, a doctor entered, a petite auburn-haired woman in deep blue scrubs and a white lab coat who looked over Sigyn's chart. The tag on her coat read “Dr. Christine Palmer.”

“Sigyn,” the doctor began with a gentle smile. “I've been looking over the results of your assessments, and I think we've figured out what caused the pulmonary edema.”

She sat down in the stool by the doorway, looking over the clipboard, furrowing her brow as she determined how best to deliver the news to Sigyn.

“Your mitral valve ruptured,” Dr. Palmer explained. “Causing the blood to flow backwards into your heart. The valve leakage lead to increased pressure which pushed blood into the air sacs in your lungs.”

Sigyn blinked. “My heart...a- a valve ruptured?” She swallowed. “What- what does that mean for me?”

“To put it plainly, you're in the early stages of heart failure.”

“ _Heart failure_?” Sigyn's jaw dropped. “But, that can't be right. I...I was fine until a week ago. How could it be _failing_?”

“It's true you are younger than the typical demographic for heart failure,” said Dr. Palmer. “But from the looks of it, we think the blunt force trauma from your fall caused the valve to finally rupture.”

Loki furrowed his brow. “Finally?”

“Based on the damage, the valve had been deteriorating for some time, likely weakened from a prior event,” said Dr. Palmer, flipping through Sigyn's chart. “You do have a car accident in your recent history. It's possible the initial blow weakened the valve, and your fall from the stool caused the rupture.”

Loki paled at the words _car accident_. He flashed back to that night, Valentine's Day, on the drive to Valhalla where he'd wanted to take her. To the moment where his eyes left for road for one second- just one second- and then the crash. The hard thud as a deer hit the Jaguar, followed by a barrage of successive thuds as it kicked itself away from the steel, then the swerving as he over-corrected before veering into the brush. He'd sustained a gash to his forehead which had mostly healed. But she, she'd been fine after, his only consolation being that, in his negligence, she hadn't been hurt.

And yet, according to the doctor, she had.

_I did this to her._

“Heart failure...” Sigyn said softly. “My heart isn't working at all? Does this mean I'm going to...die?”

Dr. Palmer set aside the clipboard and looked Sigyn in the eye. “It is serious, Sigyn. And it could be fatal if left untreated. But failure means your heart isn't pumping blood efficiently, not that it's shutting down. But we will need to get your valve fixed and soon.”

“So, what happens now?” Sigyn asked quietly, fingering her collarbone.

“The damage to your valve is significant to where you'll need it replaced.”

“I need surgery?"

“Yes.”

Loki closed his eyes, guilt choking at his throat. Major surgery, a long recovery, disrupting her entire life.

And that was just if all went according to plan. He could not stomach the thought of what may happen should the operation go wrong.

“The good news is,” Dr. Palmer went on. “We have an excellent surgeon, Stephen Strange, who we can schedule soon, and at your age you should recover within a few weeks and resume normal activity without too many long-term complications.”

“Too many?” Sigyn asked. “What long-term complications?”

“We'll know more once we've talked to the surgeon, but I will have some literature for you to look over. And authorizations to sign.” Dr. Palmer stood. “I'll have those prepared for you and Dr. Strange will meet with you to go over the specifics.”

“Will I be free to go then?” Sigyn asked.

Dr. Palmer shook her head. “In your condition, it's not safe to let you leave the hospital. We're admitting you until the surgery. I'd advise having someone pick up anything you need for your stay here.”

“But...school...work...” Sigyn sighed. “How long will I be here?”

“At least a week, if not longer. We can provide a doctor's note if you need,” said Dr. Palmer. “In the meantime, we'll get you everything you need to prepare for the surgery.” With that, Dr. Palmer took her leave.

Sigyn pressed her hands over her face, shaking her head. “This can't be happening.”

Loki watched her. He tried to reach for her, but paused.

_It's happening because of me._

She shifted over, leaning against his shoulder. “I'm sorry.”

Loki looked down at her. “For what?”

“For...this.” Sigyn wiped her face. “I just wanted a nice Halloween, a nice autumn with being you and...and then just after we move in together...it's all ruined.”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Loki soothed. “This was not you fault.”

“The fall...I should have been more careful.”

Loki kissed her cheek. “No, I should have been more careful. That night of the accident...I never imagined all this time later you'd been hurt. Not like this.”

“You didn't mean to, Loki. It wasn't...”

“But I did. I hurt you, Sigyn. I damaged your heart. This is happening to you because of _me!_ ” Unable to face her any longer, the guilt compelled him to his feet. He started towards the door, before she could turn on him.

“Loki!” Sigyn called, reaching forward to grasp his hand. “Loki, please!” The abrupt motion caused a coughing fit, choking back her pleas.

The self-pity that pushed Loki away from her dissolved. He rushed over, supported her back, putting a tissue against her mouth, easing her until the coughing ceased.

“Please...” Sigyn pleaded between coughs. “Loki...I need you. You can't fix the past but you can help me now.”

“I'm sorry, sweetheart,” Loki replied, stroking her back. “Tell me what you need.”

“My overnight bag,” Sigyn replied. “And then some...my books...my messenger bag...”

“I'll have someone come by the condo and bring them over. Idunn?”

To his surprise, Sigyn shook her head. “No. Please don't tell Idunn.”

“Why?”

“Because Idunn will tell Dad.”

Loki could certainly understand not wanting family members to know about certain things, he wasn't exactly an open book himself. If it were him in the hospital bed, he certainly wouldn't rush to inform his own family. But Sigyn's family was much more tight-knit and affectionate than his. Surely they'd want to know what was happening.

“Dad and Cynthia are on their honeymoon right now,” Sigyn went on. “He's been through so much and wanted to do this for years. If they know...they'll cancel everything and come here.”

“You don't want your family with you?”

“I don't want to burden them. I can't ruin their vacation. Besides, I'll be stuck here no matter what, and it will take them a long while to get the message and get home. I'll tell them after.”

Loki considered telling her that, should they find out after, they'd only remember the shock of finding out what happened to her while they were away. But Sigyn knew her family far better than he did, and once Sigyn made up her mind, there was little point in trying to change it.

“Alright,” he replied. “We won't tell them until you're ready.”

“Thank you.” Sigyn settled into the bed. “I guess I'd better get comfortable. I'll be here for awhile. Are you going home soon?”

Loki shook his head. He'd never expected her to be so sick when they'd rushed over. He'd assumed they'd be leaving together. He could not imagine leaving her here, going back to their home without her.

So he would not.

He would not return until she could come with him.

“I will be staying right here,” Loki decided. “Right beside you.”

*

Loki dozed in the chair beside her, waking with his back stiff and a slight throb in his head. His forearm tingled, and it took him a moment to realize he'd been holding Sigyn's hand all night as they'd slept. He released the hold to stretch his back and smooth his rumpled shirt. Sigyn woke shortly after, her eyes heavy with worry.

At Sigyn's request, Loki texted Mantis to see if she could bring down the overnight bag and whatever else Sigyn would need later that day. Mantis agreed, and would be by later on so that Loki would not have to leave Sigyn alone. Sigyn remained mostly quiet, still not quite believing the turn her health had taken. She looked over the pamphlets and papers they'd given her, but made no comments. Though stable, she coughed occasionally and rubbed at her chest, as though hoping to heal it from touch alone. Loki stayed with her, made sure she was comfortable, brought her anything she needed, talked with the nurses who came by for their rounds.

Later that morning, the surgeon overseeing Sigyn's heart operation, strode into the room. Dr. Stephen Strange, tall, with dark hair that grayed at the temples and a slightly bored look to his piercing eyes, gave Sigyn's chart a cursory look, as though it were so routine it didn't merit a thorough read.

“So,” Dr. Strange began. “Blunt chest trauma, mitral valve replacement, 7:30 am tomorrow, looking at 3-4 hours, mostly likely a mechanical valve, no eating or drinking after midnight tonight. You smoke?”

“No?”

“Good. Don't start within the next 24 hours,” said Dr. Strange. “Now, medications. You're on birth control-”

“Wait, wait-” Sigyn cut in, gripping the corners of the sheets. “The surgery...it's tomorrow?”

“Yes,” Dr Strange answered slowly, annoyed at Sigyn disrupting his thoughts. “Were you hoping to let your heart fail a little longer?”

“Is my heart that bad?”

“It's failing. In the medical community we consider that bad.”

“Yes but...aren't there other treatments? Things I can try first?” Sigyn asked. “It's just that surgery feels a little...extreme. I'd like some time to think it over.”

“Your heart valve is extremely damaged,” Dr. Strange countered. “And, if I may be blunt, at this rate time is something you do not have on your side.”

_If I may be blunt_ Loki clenched his jaw. Every word out of Dr. Strange's mouth bad been painfully blunt, why bother to ask now? The doctor seemed far more interested in cutting Sigyn open than in easing her obvious fear, and his arrogance irked Loki. It was clear Dr. Strange did not like being questioned.

And in Loki's experience, such people must be thoroughly questioned.

“She still needs to sign the consent forms, does she not?” Loki spoke up. “You can't do anything to her without it, yes?”

Dr. Strange cut his eyes over to Loki. “Yes.”

Loki sat up straighter, sliding easily into the role he played so well in his professional life, fitting like a glove after the long hours spent helplessly out of his depth. Ensure his client understood what was happening, that they were fully informed, that they were aware of their rights and were being respected. “Then you're well aware Sigyn has every right to take as much time as she wishes to decide on her treatment. She did ask you for alternatives, which you have yet to provide.”

Dr. Strange scoffed slightly, but reluctantly went over a brief overview of Sigyn's options, mostly medications and careful monitoring, though he emphasized the surgery as her best choice.

“And is that your medical opinion?” Loki asked when he'd finished.

“It is.”

“So I should do it?” Sigyn said softly.

“Unless you'd like a second medical opinion, darling,” Loki offered. “His is but one. You don't have to consent if you don't feel ready.”

Dr. Strange raised an eyebrow. “Uh...”

“If you truly wanted,” Loki went on. “You could walk right out of here. You are well within your rights to refuse treatment. Go somewhere else, do more research...request a different surgeon...”

“The obliterated mitral valve in your chest begs to differ.”

Sigyn's eyes darted between the two men before her. Her hand clutched protectively over her chest. She blinked rapidly, and Loki recognized the wet in her eyes.

“It's your body, Sigyn. You don't have to go through with this if you don't want to.”

“I wouldn't waffle on this too long. I need signed consent forms and nurses are waiting to get you prepped and I do not care to be kept waiting.”

“And by my estimate, the surgery is at least another 22 hours away,” Loki countered. “You'll be waiting regardless and Sigyn has plenty of time to think over her decision.”

Dr. Strange shook his head. “Afraid it doesn't work that way.”

“And I'm afraid you haven't got as much say in this as Sigyn does.”

They both looked at her. Sigyn rubbed at her face, looking small and fragile against the large bulk of the bed.

“Can I...can I have some time alone, please?”

Dr Strange shrugged. “7:30 am. I'll be in the OR and operating on _someone_. Whether that person is you is entirely your call.” With that he tossed the chart back into the file holder posted on the wall and took his leave.

Sigyn glanced at Loki. “ _Alone_ , please.”

Loki regarded her. She turned away, eyes back on the window. Alone. She wanted him to leave her alone. The request stung, that he'd managed to upset her further. But imploring her to let him stay would only damage her trust. And so, he stood, walking down the hall.

Sigyn stared out the window. Below, cars pulled in and out of the hospital's parking garage. The trees in the courtyard almost glowed with golden leaves. All over, the city had woken quietly, lazily, in the way it did after a night full of festivities. A few little remnants of Halloween lingered in the cooling air.

_Blunt chest trauma. Heart failure. Mitral valve replacement._ Sigyn turned over the words, though her mind struggled to fully connect them to her body, to what she'd been going through since her fall. The shock hadn't quite worn off, and Dr. Strange and Loki had left her more confused and overwhelmed than ever. Things had been so normal, then spun out of control so swiftly, blindsiding her. Nothing over the past 12 hours felt real. Even now, she hoped it would all turn out to be nothing.

She didn't want the surgery. She didn't want to think about what would happen if she didn't have it. She didn't want her heart to fail. She didn't want to be here. She wanted to go home, back to classes, back to work, resume her life as normal.

Her heart fluttered beneath her skin.

But there wouldn't be a normal to come home to, not with her heart so damaged. She'd only wind up back here, worse off than before, with even fewer options. In fact, normal had been hanging on by a thin thread for quite some time. To leave would only delay the inevitable. A state of denial as her heart worsened. She could not hide, yet taking the next leap into the surgery terrified her.

“Loki?” She called.

As expected, Loki hadn't gone far. Still well within earshot, he returned to her. “Yes?”

She waved him over to her bed. “...why don't you want me to have the surgery?”

“You misunderstand me, darling. I don't want you to be pressured into a major decision like this, if you're not certain,” Loki replied. “I just wanted you to know you have options. You have rights, if you truly don't want to go through with this.”

“I don't want this,” Sigyn confessed. “I don't want to be here.”

“You're scared,” Loki replied. “You're confused. I only mean to ensure you're fully informed of everything before you sign the paperwork. Before anyone cuts you open, before anyone...takes you apart.” He blinked to fight away tears.

“The surgeon. You don't like him.”

Loki snorted. “Do you?”

“No,” Sigyn replied with a faint chuckle. “But...I think he had a point. About how serious this is.”

“It is serious,” said Loki. “Which is why you need to make sure you're fully informed and ready.”

“So much pressure...” Sigyn reached for Loki's hand. “I keep trying to think but...I almost felt like I had to choose between you and the doctor when you two kept arguing.”

“I am sorry, sweetheart.” A pang of regret hit Loki's gut. He'd allowed his own guilt and fear to tinge his attempts to help her. “I didn't intend to pressure you either way. I-I'm as worried as you are.”

Sigyn bit her lip. “This is going to be hard, either way.”

“It will.”

“I've looked over the pamphlets, the paperwork...everything but the consent form.” Sigyn gestured at the stack of papers at her side. “I get ready to sign, but I can't.”

“What holds you back?”

“There won't be any going back, will there? Not after 7:30 tomorrow. I sign, and then they start prepping...if...if this ends up going wrong, I can't just rewind it.”

“No.” Loki shifted in the seat. “You can't."

“I'm not even thirty,” Sigyn continued. “I never imagined my body would start having these issues already. Or ever. I thought...I thought I'd bounce back from almost anything. But that's not the case anymore, is it?”

“It never was. You've just learned that lesson.”

Sigyn let out her breath. “You're right. It's a hard lesson.”

“It is.”

Sigyn picked up the consent form she'd been avoiding, eyes on the blank signature line at the bottom, still lingering on at the crossroad, in need of a final direction.

Loki leaned forward. “You won't be alone, whatever happens next. That, I can promise you.”

Sigyn looked over at Loki, the fear not entirely gone, but joined with a resolve as she squared her shoulders.

“Can you hand me my pen?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably not 100% medically accurate, although I did do some research. Mistake/inconsistencies are mine.


	5. Going Under

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sigyn prepares for her surgery while Loki grapples fears of his own.

“I'm just not sure this is really a four-person operation,” said Quill. “How much stuff does she need?”

“Well, Mantis needed a ride,” said Gamora, surveying the curb outside the condo for an available spot. “And I offered to drive her, and you said you needed to come because we were taking the van.” She slowed, thinking she'd found an available space, only to curse at the sight of the lawn chair placed in the middle. She grunted and turned down the next block in search of a space.

“And I am here so that you cannot talk about me,” said Drax.

“And Quill is coming to apologize to Sigyn,” Mantis added.

“What? What did I do?”Quill huffed.

“Because you were so mean to her at trivia,” said Mantis.

“How was I supposed to know she was like, dying or whatever?”

“She's not dying,” Gamora added. She started to pull into a gap between two cars only to find a yellow line painted over the curb.

“Then what's everyone mad at me for?”

“You're not supposed to be mean to people, even if they're not dying,” Mantis retorted.

Gamora pulled into a free spot around the side street from the condo. The group piled out, heading into the building and up the elevators as Mantis' instructions said.

Quill whistled as he looked inside. “Damn, how much does librarian-ing pay again?”

“Nothing, when you're a student,” said Mantis. She checked the list of items, looking down the hall towards the bedroom. She located Sigyn's overnight bag in the closet, filling it with the velvety purple robe and fuzzy socks she recognized from when they'd lived together, undergarments from the dresser, and everything else on the list. She handed Sigyn's messenger bag, with her laptop and notebooks, over to Quill, who'd spent most of the time looking over the flat screen and various gadgets.

“They uh, they need someone to house sit? Got plants to water? Fish to feed?” He asked, poking at the remote. “Cuz sometimes these things can get rusty if you don't-”

“Let's _go_ , Quill,” Gamora grunted once Mantis had finished gathering the bags. She gripped Quill's arm and pulled him out of the condo. “They're waiting.”

*

“I see,” Wong said over the phone. “That is most unfortunate to hear. We will be thinking of you.”

“Thank you,” said Sigyn, curling against the bed. She'd just called in to inform Wong she'd be out of work for an estimated 3 weeks. “I guess I'll need to apply for some kind of medical leave? I'm not familiar with how that all works.”

“There's a page on the web portal with everything you need to submit. I will send you the link. There will be a contact number if you have any questions.”

_Oh yay, more paperwork_ Sigyn thought. “Great,” she replied. “I'll fill it out as soon as I get it.”

“Keep us informed of your progress,” said Wong. “And get well soon.”

She hung up just as Loki returned to the room, two steaming paper cups with strings hanging down the side in hand. “Your tea,” he said, handing her one of the cups. “Silent Tempest, this is not.” He took his seat by the bed.

“It'll do,” Sigyn replied, blowing on the steam. “I just told my boss what's going on. More forms to submit.”

“Oh?”

“It's starting to feel more real, as I'm telling people,” Sigyn remarked, fingers grazing her collarbone. “I just can't believe it's happening to me, right now, of all things. Heart surgery.”

“I never imagined this,” Loki agreed, running a thumb over the rim of his cup. “Had anyone told me what to expect this year, seeing my beloved undergo a serious operation would not have been on my list.”

“It has been a tumultuous year for you, hasn't it?” Sigyn added. “And then this, just as things are winding down.”

“Not making partner...my father...the car accident...” Loki winced at the last event. “Losing you...getting you back...”

“Moving in...the trip to Hlesey...the red pandas...learning to ski...it hasn't all been bad,” Sigyn finished. “In fact, being with you is one of the best things that's ever happened to me.”

Loki smiled softly, looking down at his cup. “This is but one more obstacle to overcome,” he commented. “We have gotten past others. We will get you through this, too.”

Sigyn squeezed Loki's free hand. His words calmed her, but the anticipation of the upcoming surgery tightened her stomach. Such a major event coming up the next morning, and yet there was little to do aside from whatever the nurses asked when they came by. The hours ticked by slowly and yet the day flew by far too quickly. Nearly noon, she wondered how she would fare 24 hours from now. Would she be finished? Still under the anesthesia? Would there be complications?

A knock at her door disrupted her thoughts. Mantis stood at the doorway, with Drax, Gamora, and Quill behind her. Relieved to see friends instead of doctors and nurses prodding her, she waved them inside.

“Hey guys!” Sigyn sat up a little. Loki smiled politely.

“We have brought your things,” Mantis announced, setting the overnight bag on the end of the bed. “Everything you asked for.”

Drax held up a small vase of red and yellow flowers. “We have also brought these so instead of fearing your own mortality, you can look at flowers as they wilt.” He pulled some mini pumpkins out of a paper bag. “These too, because it is autumn.”

“Oh, they're lovely,” Sigyn replied. “Thank you, for bringing everything.”

As Drax set the flowers on the windowsill, Loki stood. “Darling, I've some things to sort out with Laufey.” He tapped his phone against her knee before taking his leave so Sigyn could enjoy time with her companions.

In the hall, he heard them laughing a bit and picked up his pace slightly, dialing Laufey's direct line, informing him that he'd be working remotely for the next few day, but leaving the details vague. When he hung up, he thought over the ordeal ahead of him. A futility, a despairing helplessness pestered him. He'd take time away from the office to stay with her, but what good was he? What could he really do for her, sitting in that chair by her bed? And when she recovered, would he have any clue how to help her? So much of what lay ahead out of his hands, he loathed his uselessness.

“Loki?”

He turned to see Mantis standing behind him.

“Do you have everything you will need?”

Loki cleared his throat. “Yes, Mantis. Thank you for coming by.”

She handed back the key to the condo. “You are worried.”

A quick protest stopped on the tip of Loki's tongue. Reluctant as he was to open up, especially given that he still did not know Mantis well, she had a knack for bringing his true feelings to the surface. It unnerved him, but he spoke anyway.

“I need her.”

“She will need you a lot soon.”

Loki nodded. “I will manage.”

“But who will help you?”

“What?”

“Who will help you while you are caring for her? With what you need?”

Loki stared at her, unsure what exactly prompted her question. Why should she concern herself with what he needed? He wasn't the one undergoing surgery. He would not be dealing with pain, restrictions, doctors, and having an entire life upended for months. He wouldn't need any help. He never had.

_No one._ Loki recoiled at the thought of saying so out loud, for it occurred to him that he didn't have anyone he'd trust enough to ask for help. Until very recently, it had been a point of pride, never asking for help, never admitting he needed anything. For so long he'd been dismissed, brushed aside, having his troubles used against him, going alone became easier. It was what he'd always done. He'd do it again.

Even as his resolve wavered under the ticking clock.

“Thank you for your concern, Mantis. But I will be fine.”

*

It was going to be a very warm day, at least from what Sigyn could tell from the mild breezes blowing in from her hospital window, though the sun hadn't quite risen yet. A little rain, but otherwise pleasant. She'd barely slept the previous night, though it didn't matter. She'd be out for the next several hours anyway. Soon, the nurses would come for her, to take her to operating room. Sigyn had looked over the paper detailing the procedure, phantom pains rippling over her skin at the descriptions. Loki had dozed in the chair beside her again, though Sigyn wondered when he'd take a break and go home. She was grateful to have him with her, but he'd have to leave eventually. Now he absently watched the early news program on the TV over their heads, a hand over hers.

“Are you ready, darling?” he asked now.

Sigyn started at the question. “I guess so.”

He sat up to meet her eyes. “You guess?”

“I keep thinking about how it's going to go.” Sigyn rubbed at her chest. “They're going to saw open my rib cage...stop my heart...the catheters...part of me being replaced with a little machine...”

“Are you regretting this? You can still say no, even now. I will take you home, if that's what you want.”

“No, it's just...” Sigyn swallowed. “It's time. I'm...feeling a little woozy. I don't know what's going to happen...”

“You'll close your eyes,” said Loki, stroking her back. “And when you open them again, it will all be over. That is what is going to happen.” He kissed her forehead, almost envious that she'd remain unaware for the long hours ahead, while he'd be stuck, waiting, knowing, and unknowing, what lay ahead.

“And you'll be there?”

“I will be there.”

Footsteps down the corridor. The nurses were on their way for her.

“I love you,” he said, before releasing her as she was lead away.

*

Cold.

That was her primary impression upon entering the operating room, already filled with masked doctors and nurses hovering around beneath too-bright lights. Cold. Sterile. Harsh.

They'd had her shower with a special soap that left her skin tight and dry. She'd put a hospital gown over her shoulders, paper thin and open down her front, with a little plastic tie for her waist that left her exposed and vulnerable.

When she finished, she lay back onto the stretcher. A sheet quickly covered her from the waist down, but gave no warmth. The nurses wheeled her down to the operating room, pushing past the double doors, where Dr. Strange and his assistants were preparing. Machines, tubes, scalpels, Sigyn couldn't even identify everything surrounding her.

“Well, well, look who decided to show up,” Dr. Strange remarked, barely sparing her a glance as he prepared.

Stray tears streamed down her temples. She imagined her father and Cynthia, far away. Her sister, not even awake yet. Mantis, probably on her way to do her clinic hours. Ordinarily, Sigyn would have worked today, and she thought of the university library, the shelving department, opening in a few hours. All the university students milling around campus. The commuters on her bus on their way to work, or class, or wherever they were going this morning. And Loki, waiting for her, just a few yards away, although he might as well have been on the other side of the world. Everyone was so far away now, from where she lay. Exposed. Vulnerable.

Lonely.

The friendly-faced anesthesiologist sat on the stool to her left. “Hi, there,” he greeted. “We're just gonna put you under so we can begin, alright?” He waved a nurse over to hold down her trembling arm.

Sigyn nodded. “Oh...okay.” She tensed at the sight of the needle in his hand. The part she'd been dreading most, even beyond the incision, the opening of her chest, or the stopping of her heart. The part she'd actually be awake for. And after, no turning back. Inwardly chastising her skittish nerves, she exhaled.

“You're going to feel a slight pinch,” he said, swabbing her forearm.

She took a sharp breath at the pinch of the needle in her skin. “I'm not...very good with needles.”

“It's alright, I hear that a lot,” he said with a knowing chuckle. “Can you count backwards from 100 for me?”

“100...99....98...97...” Sigyn counted. “96...95...”

“What do you mean you're not good with needles?” The anesthesiologist asked. “You're doing great.”

“They make... me...nerv...” the rest of Sigyn's words slurred away as all went dark.


	6. Touch and Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sigyn under goes the surgery, then the real pain starts.

Loki wandered aimlessly about in the waiting room, where he'd been since she'd been taken to the operating room. By now it just after 7:30, when the surgery was set to begin. He supposed she was under now, at the mercy of the surgeon. Perhaps it would be delayed a bit, as such things often were.

3-4 hours. The estimated time for the surgery to finish, before her mechanical valve would be installed inside her body. So much out of his hands, all he could do was wait here. Stay available if they needed him, if there were complications, if there were bad news...

An hour passed. By now the surgery should be well under way. No one called for him, he forced himself to believe all was well in the operating room. Bored of the aimless chatter on the TV above the wall, he leaned back onto the couch cushions, eyes on the ceiling. He idly flipped his pen in the air and caught it as it spun downward.

The second hour passed. The surgery ought to be at the halfway point, or just over it. Still nothing. No sign of trouble. Or good news. He supposed he could wander to the cafeteria for tea, or just to walk around a bit, yet he feared the moment he left something would happen. They'd rush out to find him, only to find him gone.

Hour three. No news. If all was going according to plan, she ought to be just about finished. Perhaps a slight delay kept them over. Perhaps they'd appear any moment now. Perhaps they'd finish closer to the fourth hour after all. He watched the door. And waited. By now several others who'd come to the waiting room over the morning after him had gone, leaving him alone.

When hour four came and went, his nails scratched against his forearm, leaving faint red marks. He looked out the window, the sky darkening with impending rain clouds. He caught a glimpse of his own reflection in the glass: Three-day stubble over his pale face, dark circles beneath his sunken eyes, hair slick with old gel on top, growing wild at the ends, chapping lips, rumpled shirt. His face bore a calm, collected exterior that belied his inner turmoil.

By hour five he lost his battle to stave off his dark thoughts. No mere delay, surely the long wait foretold some manner of complication, of danger, of more dire straits for Sigyn. It was always a risk, as the waivers had clearly outlined when she'd signed them. It was never going to be a walk in the park, far more things could go wrong than right. They'd known this. Sigyn had gone in fully informed of what could happen.

The knowledge brought him no comfort.

His eyes flicked to the door, seeing several staff running down the corridor. He lost track of them as they charged towards one of the operating room, he knew not which one. Was it hers? Had something gone awry? How bad was it?

Spiraling down, he could no longer pacify the darkest thoughts. What if, that moment they'd taken her down, was the last time he'd see her? What would he do without her?

He'd already lost her once. He couldn't lose her again. This time, for good.

How cruel a fate, to have her, to know her love, lose her by his own pride and folly, win her back just in time to enjoy an all too brief period of genuine happiness before it was all snatched away from him.

Nothing from the corridor. No sign of the rushing staff. Only silence.

He dropped his head into his hands, pressing the pads of his palms against his eyes. How long would this take, before he found out the truth? Was Sigyn still with him or not?

So lost in his darkness, he missed the footsteps coming from the corridor, moving past the lobby until they stopped before him.

The grumble of a clearing throat pulled him back to his surroundings. He looked up to see Dr. Palmer in front of him. He snapped to a attention. “Yes?”

“We're all done,” Dr. Palmer announced with a smile. “She's in the ICU. I can show you to her room.”

Loki caught his breath, incredulous in the aftermath of his grim thoughts. “Five...five and a half hours,” was he could manage. Five and a half hours of torment.

“There was some excessive bleeding, and it took a little longer to get her stable, but she's finished,” said Dr. Palmer. “You can see her, if you're ready.”

When he finally got to see her, in her bed in the ICU, she was still asleep, her jaw slack and lips slightly parted. Clad in a white checked hospital gown, a shower cap covering her hair, and tubes in her nose, with gauze taped over her sternum with tubes coming out and clips over her finger. She looked so pale, so fragile, on the bulky bed, surrounded by machines that breathed for her, monitored her. But such a relief it was to see her.

He reached out to touch her, but drew his hand back, fearing the slightest disturbance might harm her. He gingerly grazed her arm, watching her chest rise and fall with each breath, hearing the slight snore she'd sometimes get when she'd had a cold or allergies.

A pained whimper from the bed. “Mmm...eighty...nine...”

“Sigyn?”

She stirred, eyes opening just a bit, looking up to him. “Ohh...hi.”

“Hi, beautiful,” he whispered, caressing her cheek. “How's my girl?”

“Mmmmph...” she groaned. “...pain...okay...” Her voice muffled and scratchy, slurred from the anesthesia. Her eyes opened just a little more and the corners of her mouth rose.

He smiled, taking her cold, limp hand. “It's good to see you awake, darling. I'm told you did very well during the surgery.”

Sigyn shook her head slightly. “Just...laid...there...surgeons...did all work...”

Loki chuckled lightly. “Rest, sweetheart. I'll be right here.”

“You...rest, too,” Sigyn mumbled. “You...haven't...sleep...real bed...home tonight...”

All she'd been through and still she worried for him. The thought, while endearing, only worsened his guilt. She would not be in this state if he'd only paid more attention all those months ago. She would not blame him, but it mattered little. For he would always blame himself.

Sigyn's eyes closed again, drifting back under the morphine dripping into her body. Loki watched her, hoping she'd be spared most of the pain as she recovered. It would be a long stay at the hospital, a long while before she'd be well enough to come home, and even longer after that before she'd be back to normal. Despite her desire for him to return home, he couldn't imagine leaving her alone in this state, abandoning her at her most vulnerable. As though he'd be failing her, again.

He couldn't return yet.

Not without her.

*

Sigyn would recall little of her days in the ICU, heavy amounts of medication, coughing and breathing exercises, and long periods of sleep turned the two days into little more than blur in her memories. A cloud of grogginess and pain made the first night especially difficult. With tubes everywhere and no way to get fully comfortable, her back and shoulders stiffened and her legs itched to curl up in their usual position. In the silence, she heard an odd, faint clicking in her chest, the new valve at work, and she wondered if this sound would be a permanent fixture of her body- breathing and beating and clicking. At some point the medication wore off in the middle of the night, sweeping her into the full throes of pain, every nerve in her body from the incision to deep inside her torso raw and searing, leaving her weeping quietly, still and stiff and helpless to stop the pain.

When she was able to stay awake for longer periods of time, the nurses had her practice rolling onto her side. It took her much more effort than she'd anticipated, wincing from the incision and ache in her chest, but with Loki's hand clutching hers, she managed. The next step, which she accomplished on the second day, was to move from the bed to sit in the chair. The effort left her exhausted, and she'd clung to Loki for dear life as her legs threatened to buckle under her. Her entire body felt brittle, broken, held together by a thin thread. Still, each day she felt a little better than the last, and according to her numerous assessments, all seemed normal with her heart and the new valve.

Once Sigyn was moved to a regular room in the cardiac care unit, where a little heart-shaped pillow waited on her new bed, the pain eventually gave way to long hours of discomfort a deep ache thrumming all along her torso, punctuated by periods of the intense throbbing in her sternum, itching and stings at her incisions, her stomach so queasy she struggled to eat the meals prepared for her. Nevertheless, she pushed on, taking her first steps out of bed. Clinging to the walker for dear life, flanked by nurses on both sides, she tentatively walked the length of the room, her insides and unsteady feet protesting the entire time.

Eventually, as Sigyn progressed, Loki allowed himself to leave the hospital for brief periods, mostly to handle things at work, and avoided going to the condo as much as possible, for he loathed being in their bed with her. At Sigyn's insistence, he did spend his nights there, long and restless though they were. “You need to take care of yourself, too,” she'd said, despite his protests. “I'll be fine. I'm feeling so much better.”

They settled into a loose routine. Mornings, Loki would come by the hospital well before the sun came up to see her, drop off whatever she'd need, take back whatever she didn't, ensuring she had fresh flowers in her vase, before heading into the work. He'd return, straight from the office, and stay with her through the evening. Sometimes, if she was doing her walking exercises with the nurses, he'd accompany her, or he'd help her down to the common areas for a little change of scenery while she checked her emails or did some coursework. Or, if she were sleeping, as she often was after her walks and taking her medications, he'd take his seat next to her bed and sit with her. He'd read to her if she were drowsy, bring her tea from the cafeteria if she so desired, help apply her lavender body lotion as she couldn't quite reach her legs without pain. The evening hours passed by far too quickly. He'd stay with her as long as possible, until the lights in the other rooms began to dim, and visiting hours came to a close. “Sleep well, love. I'll see you soon,” he'd tell her, kissing her forehead, even though she'd succumbed to fatigue by then. He'd take his leave, reluctantly, to face another night alone.

One chilly afternoon, they sat in the common area of the cardiac unit, at the sofa by the window. Loki had brought over Sigyn's mail, and she looked over the envelopes, discarding the junk, setting aside a few coupons, until she came upon the folded up brochure featuring a bell tower clock in front of a picturesque lake.

“Oh!” Sigyn perked up, opening the brochure.

“Oh?” Loki peered over from his own work.

“Amsvartnir Lake.” Sigyn held up the brochure. “I'm on their mailing list. It's an add for their fall and winter activities, and a preview for the summer schedule.”

Amsvartnir Lake, a small town a few hours' drive north, was a small town known as an arts and literature hub since the early 1700s. With humble beginnings as a Quaker settlement, it had hosted many well-known writers, philosophers, artists, historians, musicians, and various public figures over the centuries, usually during the summer where to this day thousands gathered to hear guest lecturers, see shows from the robust dance, music and theater programs, and enjoy the beauty of the lake.

Loki looked at the brochure. “There's a dance academy up there, yes? Renown for ballet?”

“Yes,” Sigyn piped up, handing him the brochure. “I never got to see them but there's lots of dance performances, too. You've heard of it?”

“Frigga has mentioned it a few times in passing. She studied dance for most of her teenage years, I supposed she'd gone to academy before” Loki replied. “You've been there?”

“Twice, both times for a conference with the literary club in college,” Sigyn explained. “I loved it. The history, the speakers, the bookstore, the village looks like a Victorian time capsule. I've always wanted to go back but never found a good time. Have you ever been there?”

“I have not.”

“You'd love it,” Sigyn went on. “It's right up your alley. Most of the events take place over the summer, but I bet it's beautiful up there this time of year. Probably less expensive, too.” Sigyn thought over her visits to Amsvartnir Lake, wandering the central plaza with its giant fountain in the middle walkway, exploring the library, listening to all the speakers, hearing the music students practicing in the little huts set up around the recital hall as she passed by, the welcoming dinner at Relics, the fine hotel restaurant where she'd sipped, and discovered she didn't care for, Scotch for the first time at the cash bar.

Loki's small laugh pulled her back to the present. “You went there, just now.”

“Hmm?”

“The faraway look in your eyes, that little smile,” Loki leaned forward. “You're reminiscing.”

“Sorry,” Sigyn sighed, the memories vanished. “It was just nice to think about being someplace other than here.”

“No apology necessary, darling,” Loki replied. “Of course you'd wish to be elsewhere, particularly a place you cherish so.”

“I've lost track of time since I've been here,” Sigyn mused. “Today felt like a Thursday and it took me a long while this morning to remember it's Wednesday. Some days fly by and others drag...Everything's flowing together and not making sense.”

“If your progress remains on track, you may be released before too much longer,” said Loki, folding up the brochure. “Just a few more days.”

“Few more days...” Sigyn leaned back on the sofa, wincing as she hurriedly pressed the pillow against her sternum. The discomfort was morphing into pain again.

“It's not forever, love,” said Loki. “The pain will subside. It's less intense each time, yes?”

“Yes,” Sigyn agreed, though it wasn't quite true. Some days she felt much better, others the pain gripped her insides for hours, leaving her on the verge of tears as she tried to get through her recovery.

A nurse appeared from the corridor. “Sigyn? It's time for your evening walk and breathing exercises.”

The pleasant memories gone, firmly back to reality, Sigyn forgot the brochure, clutched her cane and heart pillow, and followed the nurse back to her room.


	7. Discharge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sigyn is released from the hospital...but the real recovery challenges have only just begun.

By the time Sigyn was cleared to leave the hospital, she could walk mostly unassisted, though she clung to railings in case of dizzy spells. Nearly 10 days had passed since she'd been admitted, a few of which passed in a haze, but with the fog lifting, she missed the outside world. Today, she'd be released, but with numerous restrictions. Another 2 weeks, at least, out of work, no heavy lifting, incision care, a list of new medications to take, including the blood thinners which she'd need for the rest of her life. The thought made Sigyn uneasy, being dependent on the pills to survive, with a host of complications of their own. In time, perhaps taking the pills would be so ingrained into the daily mesh of her life, part of her routine just like showering, brushing her teeth, combing her hair, just another quick task.

But for the next few weeks, months, however long it would take, Sigyn would need to make sure she did all the things on her home recovery list, transitioning to days filled with new tasks, new challenges, and limitations on what she could do on her own. Though she'd felt much better, and was sick of the hospital, the new independence brought with it a daunting responsibility- the care and attention she'd received from the doctors and nurses would pass to her.

The morning passed with a final round of assessments, ensuring no further complications arose before they discharged her. She set about packing up her belongings, the flowers, the get-well bear and signed card from her co-workers, her books and messenger bag...

Loki came to see her, a little later than his usual time. “Terribly sorry for the delay love, I had to wrap something up at the office before I could get away.” He set a new bag down at the foot of the bed.

“I didn't expect to see you until much later,” said Sigyn. “Aren't you working?”

“Just the morning,” said Loki. “I am off for the rest of the day.”

Sigyn bit her lip, guilt creeping up her neck. “You don't need to give up the rest of your day just for me, Loki. I won't be upset if you need to get back to work.” In truth, she was relieved to know she wouldn't be alone after he brought her back. “I'll probably be resting.”

Loki cupped her chin. “I have looked forward to this day as long as you have,” he said, smiling down at her. “You've no idea how much it pleases me that you're coming home at last. Of course I'd prefer to spend your first day of freedom with you.”

He kissed her forehead, ruffling her hair with a free hand. Sigyn smiled, looking forward to being back in her own bed, with her books and candles and blankets and tea and privacy.

“Now, let's get you out of that hospital gown and into some real clothes,” said Loki, unzipping the bag. “And take you home.” He allowed her some privacy to get changed, heading to the waiting room to handle Sigyn's discharge papers and load the car.

Sigyn opened the bag, finding her black fleece-lined leggings, her black knit tank top, a red brushed flannel button-down shirt, along with wool socks and a new sports bra, one soft and stretchy with front clasps. She wondered when Loki had picked it up, how he'd thought of it.

Discarding the hospital gown, she changed into the new clothes Loki had brought, though not without some effort as her chest ached from stretching. The new clothes were comfortable, casual, yet a step above the gown and pajama pants she'd been stuck in. In particular, the new bra and flannel shirt, soft against her skin, didn't irritate her healing scar, and were easy for her to get on without straining her arms or sternum.

When the discharge papers were processed and Sigyn was finally released, the morning chill had given way to a warm afternoon sun. Loki lead her to the parking garage, his arm firm over her shoulders. Sigyn shivered from an inexplicable chill and sheer exhaustion, her feet not quite sure how to carry her from the her cardiac care room to the waiting room lobby to the garage to the car. The longest distance she'd walked in 10 days.

“You're quivering,” Loki commented. “Do you need my coat?”

“I'm alright,” Sigyn managed, pressing on. Just a little further...

The Jaguar chirped as Loki unlocked the doors, helping Sigyn into the passenger seat. She held her heart-shaped pillow against her chest, bracing herself against the discomfort as she buckled the seat belt. Her gut lurched as the car started, easing up from the underground lot and into the sunlight. She pressed the pillow tight against her chest, queasy and eyes shut tight against the sun. Loki drove carefully, slow and easy, attempting to minimize her discomfort, though her couldn't help and abrupt brake as a car pulled out from a side street right in front of them.

“We're here.” He pulled into their parking garage connected to the condo building. “It's alright.”

Still woozy, Sigyn lost her balance on her way out of the car. Loki supported her back, secured his arm around her waist. “I've got you, I've got you,” he whispered, slowing his pace as they moved through the lobby and up to the condo. Once they were through their front door, Sigyn was nearly ready to drop from the exertion.

Loki settled her onto the sofa, draping the flannel throw blanket over her shoulders. Sigyn caught her breath, cushions at her back and the pillow on her chest. She tilted her head back, looking around the condo. Home at last. She'd made it.

“It's good to have you back, love.” Loki slid a hand down her side, along her waist to her hip. His eyes lingered on the lower half of her body for a moment, a desirous look in his eyes. Sigyn didn't need to guess at what was on his mind. Yet the desire would have to wait, for it would be some time before Sigyn progressed far enough to allow for such rigorous activity. And Loki knew it, too, biting his lip before drawing his gaze away.

“It's good to be back,” Sigyn replied, shifting further under the blanket. “What will you do now? Don't let me hold you back if you're busy.”

“It's past noon,” said Loki. “And I'm afraid I've not done much in the way of grocery shopping. Will you be alright here if I pick up some soup for us for lunch?” Loki asked, brushing her hair out of her face. “I won't be long, just to the deli down the street and right back.”

“I'm just going to rest. I'll be fine.” Sigyn replied, though she found herself reluctant to be alone. She'd gotten used to round-the-clock staff and visits at the bustling hospital, and returning to the quiet, cozy condo, while a welcome change, left her worried for what could happen with no one monitoring her. What if her heart just...failed again? What if something else was starting to go wrong? Would she know if it was? She smiled despite her worries, not wanting Loki to feel obligated to spend every moment with her. “I'd also love a cornbread muffin, if they have them today.”

“As you wish.”

When Loki set out, Sigyn switched on the television, though nothing in particular interested her. Not in the mood for concentration, she settled on a competitive baking show and huddled under the blanket while her trembling subsided. A deep, dull ache lingered in her bones, her muscles stiff. She focused on her breathing, deep and even, while her pulse slowed.

She must have dozed off because the next she knew, Loki was back, standing in the doorway with a container of soup and a small plastic bag in his hands. He smiled, but the obvious pain in his eyes revealed his true feelings. Guilt. Worry. Sadness.

“Hey,” he said, sliding off his shoes. “Would you prefer to keep resting? We can have our soup later.”

“Mmm,” Sigyn shifted up, her head rushing for a moment. “I'm actually getting quite hungry.”

“You're probably desperate for real food, after a week of hospital fare.” Loki brought the plastic bag over to the kitchen island, pulling two bowls from the cabinets. “I hope this will suffice. And you're in luck, I snatched the last two cornbread muffins.” He brought the soup over while Sigyn paused her show.

As promised, the soup, homemade, fresh, and perfectly hot, proved a welcome change from the bland, lukewarm, heavily moderated meals she'd been fed for over a week.

“I never thought a bowl of soup could make me so happy,” Sigyn commented between spoonfuls. “It feels normal. Closer to normal, anyway.”

“Normal will take some time,” Loki commented. “But being home ought to do wonders, I imagine.”

“It has,” Sigyn replied. “But, there's so much more recovery ahead. Between where I am now and where I was, I'm afraid it'll take ages before I truly feel better.”

“One day at a time, darling,” Loki soothed. “There's no deadline.”

“Aside from finishing the semester,” Sigyn sighed. “I'm afraid I'm already too far behind to catch up and pass my classes.”

“Are your professors aware of what you've been through?”

“Well, no,” Sigyn replied, swirling her spoon around her bowl.

“Don't you think you ought to inform them?”

“Why?” Sigyn asked. “I don't want them to think I'm trying to get sympathy or give me good grades just because. I don't want them feeling sorry for me. Besides, I ought to be able to do the work and be treated just like all the other students. It's not fair to them otherwise.”

“What is fairness?” Loki mused. “Everyone getting the exact same thing, treated the exact same way, regardless of their differences, their particular circumstances? Or everyone getting exactly what they need to have an equal chance of success, treated how they wish to be treated, their individual needs respected?”

Sigyn paused, considering Loki's words. “I hadn't thought of it that way.”

“Most of your classmates haven't endured a major surgery in the midst of the semester, Sigyn,” Loki went on. “If you need more time for your assignments, or to make other arrangements, it's perfectly fair to ask.”

“Some of my professors may not see it that way.”

“If they do not, you're back where you started,” said Loki. “But perhaps if some are amenable, you may have a few more accommodations while you're recovering.”

“Hmm...” Sigyn thought over Loki's suggestion. He had a point, but Sigyn hated discussing her recent ailments with other people, seeing them look at and talk to her as though she were broken, a fragile doll. How would she even broach the subject? She wasn't even certain her professors even knew her name, why should they care about her health?

“We'll see,” Sigyn replied at length, drawing a slight scoff from Loki. Such a response was her polite way of saying no, and they both knew it. “I can manage on my own.”

Once they'd finished their soup, a wave of drowsiness overtook Sigyn. The exertion of leaving the hospital, and the strain on her chest took their toll. Loki was quick to bring her pain medication, a new kind that did not make her queasy but did put her to sleep for hours.

“Darling, would you prefer the bed?” Loki asked before Sigyn could drift off. “Far more comfortable than the sofa. Allow me to clean up.”

“Mmm...alright,” Sigyn murmured, taking Loki's hand. He helped her up and escorted her to their bedroom. Sigyn sank into the large mattress covered in luxuriant sheets, realizing how much she'd missed sleeping in her own bed. Loki tucked the covers over her body, taking care not to disturb her chest.

“You've no idea,” Loki said, caressing her cheek, “How very much I missed having you beside me at night. This bed is far too large for me alone.”

“I missed you, too,” Sigyn replied drowsily. The comfort of familiar surroundings and Loki's gentle touch lured her eyes closed. “It was so lonely in the hospital at night. I never felt so far away from everything.”

“You're back now,” Loki whispered, nuzzling her hair. “You're not alone. Rest as much as you wish. I will be right around the corner should you need me.”

Much as Loki wished to stay with her as she recovered, year-end demands at firm dictated otherwise. He worked from home when he could, but more often than not some meeting or hearing or another forced his hand, and he went in, leaving Sigyn to her own devices.

The first morning, she remained in bed for an hour or so after Loki had gone for the day. Discomfort had plagued her all night, no position or adjustments brought relief. She woke just as tired as she had been when she'd laid down. Though she ordinarily started her day later than Loki, on weekdays she often woke at the same time as him, even when she had nowhere to be. She liked preparing the coffee while he showered, making the bed, listening to the local radio station's morning mix, having a quick breakfast before they parted ways for the day.

But today, when the alarm chimed, Sigyn grimaced in pain and lingering fatigue. She started to rise when Loki stood, making his way to the bathroom, but the heaviness in her chest compelled her back down. She wasn't allowed to go anywhere, according to her papers, and her only obligations involved medication and an attempt at walking later. She lay back, listening to the quiet rush of water as Loki showered. Perhaps just a little more time under the covers wouldn't hurt.

“Darling?”

After what felt like just moments after she'd closed her eyes, she opened them to find Loki, fully dressed in his navy checkered suit, messenger bag in hand, kneeling before her. The fresh scent of his body wash and hair product tickled her nose.

“Uh?”

“I'm heading to work now,” said Loki, brushing her hair back. “Shall I pick up anything for you on my way home?”

Sigyn blinked. “Already?”

“Yes. It's time.”

Sigyn looked at the clock. Indeed, it was time for Loki to go. An entire hour had passed, though it felt like mere minutes.

“Okay,” Sigyn leaned forward to kiss his cheek. “Have a good day.”

“Take your medications. No strenuous activity. Lots of rest, yes?” Loki rose, squeezing Sigyn's shoulder.

Sigyn laughed lightly. “Yes, Doctor.”

“And of course, you are more than welcome to call if you should need me. I am never too busy for you, my Sigyn. I may check in around noon, just to see how you are.” He kissed the top of her head before leaving.

Sigyn tried again to get up after Loki departed. So busy under ordinarily circumstances, she felt as though she were wasting the day just laying in bed. She slid off the mattress, padding into the bathroom to find her medications, then into the kitchen. Loki had left some hot coffee in the carafe for her, and a box of Cheerios out on the kitchen island. In fact, he'd brought down a bowl, a plate, a mug, a glass, and all the tea they stored in the upper cabinets- everything she might need for the day readily accessible without having to strain her arms to reach them. The gesture, though touching, sent a pang of guilt into Sigyn. Loki, with a full day of work, already trying to get out the door, stopping to make sure she'd had what she needed since she could not reach those items herself. What else had he been doing, would he need to do, for her while she slept all day?

She poured herself a cup of coffee, though her arm shook from lifting even a little weight. It took her much longer to prepare even a small bowl of coffee and cereal, and her chest ached from pulling the fridge door open.

She sat at the kitchen island, all alone, a strange, empty feeling overcoming her as she though about what her day would have been had she been healthy: two classes, followed by an ALA student chapter meeting, followed by a shift at work. One of her longer days.

But today would not be such a day. Nor would the next several days. Instead, she'd be recovering at home, slowly resuming tasks, follow up doctor's appointments, checking off milestones until she was cleared to return to her usual life. Over the course of a few weeks to a month. She'd recovered enough to return home. But she was nowhere near normal yet.

She looked around the condo, wondering what she ought to be doing. In her room at the hospital, the whiteboard on the wall outlined her goals for the day, her exact dosages of medicine, and what she'd do and when, and who would assist her. Though she hadn't given it much thought during her stay, she missed its presence- the reassurance of exactly what she needed and what she had to do. Guidance. Experts. A timetable.

She missed it now, on her own, trying to determine her steps. Her own board, if she'd had one, would be little more than a blank slate. Just her name. One word: Recover. Under her team, no one.

And of course the issue of her classes. She'd done a decent job of keeping up, watching the lectures after they were posted, staying on top of her readings, assignments...group presentations that she'd have to miss. Guilt needled at her. And though she was grateful to have access to the lectures online, she missed interacting with her classmates. She learned better present in class instead of on her own, listening to discussion and asking questions. Watching after, far from everyone else, the classes came to her as little more than words, said by familiar people on screens, increased her isolation, did little to help her understand, and frustrated her when it came to harder concepts, especially her Metadata class. She took notes, tried to keep up with her assignments, though she'd fallen behind in her time at the hospital. She considered again Loki's suggestion of contacting her professors, but her pride would not allow her to speak of her pain, not yet. Determined to not let the surgery impact her grades, she'd keep striving through her assignments, just as she had before.

First though, a nice hot shower appealed to her immensely. She finished her coffee, then headed to the bathroom, disrobing as she turned on the water.

The hot stream drew a deep sigh from Sigyn, washing the ache from her muscles and clearing her body from the sterile, prodded feeling of doctors examining her. The floral scent of her body wash, the tea tree scent of her shampoo, the blissful privacy, her sponge foaming all over, she felt more like herself as she cleansed. She turned the heat up a little higher, as a cloud misted over the mirror.

She'd finished washing her body and was about to work her shampoo into her scalp when her head swam and her vision clouded. She clutched the shower door, groping until her hand reached the faucet, switching the water off before sliding to the floor.

She crouched at the bottom of the shower for several minutes, shuddering despite the steam and heat around her. Eventually, the steam cleared, streaming out from the door and up through the fan. Once the bathroom cooled, Sigyn's head cleared enough and she pulled herself up and out of the shower, hastily grabbing a towel.

She wiped the condensation off the mirror, seeing her reflection for the first time in ages. Her eyes went straight to her incision, the jagged bright red line running from her collarbone down to the top of her abdomen. Face to face with the scar, struck by how prominent, how _violent_ , it looked against the rest of her body, the visceral reminder of what had happened to her, that someone had cut her open, meddled with her heart, placing something inside, before stitching it all shut. It may fade in time, but it would always be there, she'd been changed, inside and out. She traced along the scar, her throat tight as she studied it, how the rough ridged tissue growing over her smooth skin.

She tried to comb her hair, but found the process too painful after the first few strokes. Instead, she left it to dry as is, hastily returning to the bedroom to dress. Nothing appealed to her aside from pajamas, so she selected her purple sleep shirt and a pair of leggings. She'd planned to do her walking right away but the drowsiness kicked in again, along with the pain in her chest. Reluctantly, she succumbed to her fatigue, wandering onto the sofa and resuming her baking show until her eyes closed.

Late in the afternoon, Sigyn woke from her dozing, several episodes and eliminated contestants ahead of where she'd been. She felt much better after the medication had taken its course, newfound energy. And she had yet to complete her walking tasks.

She took her key and stepped out of the condo, looking down the empty hall, past the elevators to the stairwell. She hadn't had much practice going up and down flights of stairs at the hospital, but knew one of her end goals was successfully going down and up two flights of stairs without getting weak. Perhaps if she pushed, she might even get ahead of her timeline, progress further ahead than anticipated.

Walking down the long hall proved easy, though Sigyn stayed close to the wall. She reached the door to the stairwell, bracing herself and pushing it open.

She peered down the stairs, steep and unforgiving concrete. With a firm grasp on the handrail, she descended, easily clearing the first flight. Confident as she made it to the lower level landing, her energy emboldened her enough to try the next flight of steps. She trotted down, making it all the way down with just a slight strain on her muscles.

Mid-way through the third set of steps, her legs wavered. She paused, deciding she'd be better off going back up. She turned, trying to make her way back up the stairs, yet going up required more effort than her descent. She'd barely reached the landing after herculean effort to keep her legs moving. Her heart raced and her body protested against the undertaking.

She forced herself up step by step, though her strength rapidly depleted. A few steps short of the second landing, her legs gave way, leaving her trapped in the stairwell, alone on the concrete steps. No matter how she strained and pushed, her body would go no further.

She sunk to onto the steps, trying to quell the rising panic in her gut. She doubted anyone would hear her calling for help through the thick walls, and the stairwell was rarely used, as most of the other residents preferred the elevators. Perhaps one of the maintenance workers might enter, but she did not know their schedule. Unless someone came by soon, she'd be stuck here for a long time. And how long would it take Loki to look for her? She huddled on the stair, waiting, either for enough of her strength to return or for some miraculous rescue, neither of which were coming anytime soon. Silently she cursed her foolishness at attempting the stairs, her own body betraying her efforts, her utter helplessness.

Above her, the door clicked open. “Sigyn?”

Sigyn glanced up. “Loki?”

He peered down at her from the upper flight of stairs, his face a most welcome sight. “I'm coming.”

Swiftly he raced down the stairwell, finding her huddled in place. “What's happened? Did you fall? Are you hurt?”

“W-walking,” Sigyn explained, breathless. “I...I tried to do the steps but I...I couldn't. Loki, I was doing alright and I thought I could make it but...then I got so tired, Loki. My legs just gave out.”

“Shh, it's alright,” Loki soothed, securing Sigyn with a firm grasp as he lifted her. “I'm here. Can you get up?”

“All my strength just vanished,” Sigyn replied. Her entire body trembled in protest against the pressure on her legs. “I can barely even stand.”

“Then I shall carry you.” With that, Loki scooped her up, Sigyn more or less limp in his arms. She slid her arms around Loki's neck, her head against his chest while she listened to his heart beating. With a little effort, he carried her the remaining distance up the stairs, then down the hall back to their condo. Sigyn winced at the pressure against her chest, and from the shame of helplessness, of needing Loki to rescue her.

From _stairs_ , of all things.

Back inside, Loki helped her to the kitchen island. She slid into the seat, trembling, relieved yet fearful that her body succumbed to quickly, the sharp decline in her health. Was this her normal now? Was she always going to need help?

Loki presented her heart pillow. Sigyn took hold, pressing it to her chest. She noticed a few brown grocery bags on the counter tops. “Take it easy, love,” Loki assured, massaging her back. “You're alright.”

“How did you find me?”

“I returned expecting to find you either on the sofa or in bed,” Loki explained. “And was quite alarmed when you were gone. I was on my way to check the courtyard when I thought I'd peek down the stairwell first. It was on your recovery checklist.”

She hugged him as much as her aching chest would allow. “Thank you.”

“Of course, love,” Loki murmured. “I would never leave you abandoned in the stairwell. But do promise me you'll pace yourself on your exercises. Too much at once won't hasten your progress, only get you hurt.” He kissed her cheek. “And given that I very nearly had a coronary event of my own when I came home to no trace of you, I must ask that you undertake such exercises when I am nearby. And do bring your phone and pillow next time.”

“I'm sorry, Loki. I felt fine when I started. I really thought it would just be a quick walk down the hall and the stairs. I didn't think...”

“Patience, darling,” said Loki. “You'll get better, in time.”

Loki released her and unpacked the grocery bags, preparing to make dinner. He pulled out a bag of the pumpkin ravioli and black cherry tea she liked, among other things. She hadn't had an appetite all day, but her spirits perked up a bit at spending time with Loki.

“Do you need help?” she asked.

“You may help by keeping me company,” said Loki, taking out the stock pot. “I trust the rest of your day was not as eventful?”

“I slept, mostly,” Sigyn replied, watching as Loki cooked. Her fingers twitched, wanting to help though she knew he'd stop her. She left out the part of her dizzy spell in the shower, not wishing to worry him. “And yours?”

“Better. _Now_ ,” Loki said with a wink.

Sigyn tried to relax for the evening, and Loki's presence certainly made her feel safer. Yet the unease never quite left her, even as her strength eventually returned. Despite her smile and optimism, the reality of her situation- that her health was far worse, that her recovery would not be as smooth as she wanted- proved impossible to ignore.


	8. Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sigyn and Loki struggle to feel close again as the recovery drags on and more obstacles get in the way.

It was hard to see her like this, oscillating between good days and bad, pain and drowsiness, awake and long hours dozing, falling away sometimes in mid-conversation, struggling to walk, to handle basic tasks, her frustration palpable. Loki tried his best to lift her spirits, but the pain in her body and despair hidden behind her eyes proved beyond his reach. It didn't help that Sigyn kept pushing herself despite her limitations, still wanting to walk further and further even after the incident in the stairwell. More than once he'd found her working on an assignment, face twisted in pain and clutching at her heart pillow, typing away through the strain. She'd was scrambling to finish an XML project for her class and refused to take the pain medication out of fear the side effects would put her to sleep through the afternoon. Eventually he convinced her to take it, but not before Sigyn reached most of her goals for the day, and even then she was sullen over falling short. Her bad days outnumbered her good ones as the recovery dragged on, as she tried, and failed, and tried again to regain her independence, a little normalcy.

By the week's end, Loki found himself worn out, from hustling back and forth to work, looking after Sigyn, attending to chores around the condo, and his own therapy. He missed Sigyn. Though they spent much of their time together, when she wasn't sleeping she seemed despondent, sometimes irritable, easily distraught, and unusually quiet. He missed the bright, cheerful, optimistic, sweet yet stubborn girl he'd fallen in love with, seeing less and less of her as each long day passed. He loved her as much as ever, wishing only to bring her back to her old self.

Compounding the fissure between them was the physical distance. Sigyn's healing muscle and bone and exhaustion stymied their previous intimacy. They were barred from sexual contact for at least a few weeks, and even a chaste hug had to be met with caution. Not too close, not too tight, for even the slightest contact could disturb her sore chest. He kept a distance, careful not to press to hard, limited himself to light touches, holding her hand, though he desired nothing more than to pull her in close, if only to ward away the fear she might slip through his fingers.

Nights were the hardest, for Loki would sometimes wake to the sound of sniffles and whimpering from her side of the bed. In the dark, he could see her face was wet, yet she'd feign sleep if he tried to check on her. Whether from pain or discomfort or just plain frustration, Sigyn wouldn't say, for she'd make no mention of it the next morning. Hardest of all, for Loki, was knowing that despite his efforts, nothing would truly take her pain away, aside from time. No matter what, her waking moments were always mired in some degree of pain, and he was helpless to comfort her.

One Saturday afternoon, Loki gathered up his suits to drop off at the dry-cleaner, a task Sigyn occasionally did for him, as the dry-cleaner was right across the street from her bus stop. But she was in no state to carry much of anything, and Loki could handle it himself. Once he'd zipped up the last of his garment bags, he looked down the hallway. Sigyn had been quiet for awhile, and he'd hoped she was resting, though part of him worried for her, after the events of Halloween. He poked his head into Sigyn's study, through the narrow opening in the door. She'd fallen asleep reading, her copy of _The Historian_ precariously dangling from her hand, threatening to slide off her chair and onto the floor.

He knocked gently against the wall. “Sigyn?”

“Hunh?” Her eyes didn't open.

“I'm off to the dry cleaners,” Loki said. “Will you be alright for a bit?”

“Uh...hunh...” Sigyn did not stir, aside from her thumb twitching upward slightly.

Loki stepped inside, rescuing her book from falling, placing it on her side table. He looked around the study, at Sigyn's desk and shelves, how she'd made the study into her own little space. She'd added wall shelves to make more room for her figurines, books, and candles. She'd brought a few more from her childhood home, old favorite books and bird and fairy figures lining the walls. The fairy lights from her old apartment lined the area around her desk in a soft glow. Dots of color everywhere, little bits of bright and charm and _her_.

He knelt down by her sleeping figure, pressing his lips to her cheek. With her features relaxed, she looked almost peaceful, as though nothing at all were amiss with her, just an afternoon nap. Her unwashed, unstyled hair fell wild around her and over the chair, for taking her usual care with it proved too painful. Though the moment wouldn't last, for she'd be in pain or struggling against her health when she woke, the sight brought Loki a little comfort. Sigyn, his Sigyn, was still in there, somewhere.

It was all a matter of luring her out of the woods.

He collected the various tea cups and mugs she'd left around the room before closing the door and departing.

After loading the cumbersome garment bags into the car, Loki nearly hit his head off the top of the driver's seat when his phone buzzed. His winced, rubbing at his scalp as he answered.

“Hello, Mother,” he held back a heavy sigh. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“The pleasure is all mine, my son,” Frigga replied amiably. “I trust all is well?”

“Well enough,” said Loki, hoping Frigga would get to her reason for calling. He didn't want to rehash the turmoil of the past few weeks, nor did he wish for his family to decide to get involved. “Quite busy, actually.”

“Right, well, then I won't keep you,” said Frigga, though Loki knew that wasn't likely to be the case. “I only wanted to ask if you two had made plans for Thanksgiving yet and if so what those might be?”

Caught up in looking after Sigyn, Loki hadn't given the holiday- just an overly elaborate dinner, really- a second thought. Frigga would expect them to come over, but he'd never discussed what Sigyn typically did, though he suspected it mattered little. He very much doubted she'd be in any shape to sit through a long dinner and listen to constant bickering. He couldn't imagine dragging her out, even if she agreed to it.

“We have not discussed such a thing.”

“Ah, then you have no plans. Yet.”

“Mother, I've really no time to discuss this.”

“Well, when you get a chance, will you deign to let me know when I can expect you.”

“I'm not sure you can expect us.”

A huff. “But can I expect _you_?”

“Mother, Sigyn...erm...” Loki closed his eyes. Best to tell the truth and be done with it. “She's recovering from heart surgery. It happened last week and I doubt she will be in any shape for visiting by then.”

For once, Frigga did not have a quick reply. He'd hoped she'd leave him be, not press him for more information.

“Poor thing,” Frigga said after a moment, her tone gentle. “How are you managing?”

“Alright,” Loki bit his lip, mentally rehashing his faults. “As well as can be expected. But she has a way to go.”

“I know it well,” said Frigga. “Did I never tell you your father had a procedure awhile ago?”

“No,” said Loki. “But Hela told me about Odin's operation. The true reason Thor and I went to Disneyworld, I assume?”

Frigga scoffed, though Loki wasn't sure if it was Loki's use of Odin't first name rather than 'father' or because Hela had taken it upon herself to reveal more secrets. “Well, yes, he did have a heart operation. Nothing major, but I know how alarming it can be. Have you-”

“I've done what I can,” Loki cut in, fearing Frigga might admonish him for failing to do things her way. “Mother, I must be on my way.”

“Well, do keep me informed.”

“ _If_ Sigyn is feeling well enough- and that is a big if- we may come by for a bit,” Loki declared. “But I will not push her nor will I leave her by herself and go alone.”

“I meant about her progress, my son.”

Loki sighed when the conversation ended, brushing aside the guilt. He wished he didn't have to keep his guard up around his family, it was something he envied about Sigyn, how close and open they were. Every interaction with his own family felt like navigating a minefield, just to keep his own perspectives and feelings from being trampled, his own wishes from being dismissed. Yet standing firm, even though he needed to, nevertheless left him riddled with guilt. A reaction instilled in him after decades of being cast as the family disappointment, he hated the lingering effects that made standing firm so difficult. If it hadn't been for Sigyn's recovery, he might have even caved. A small step, a hard one, but necessary.

*

Sigyn woke from a long nap at the sound of her phone vibrating on the coffee table. She squirmed out from under the blanket, blinking sleep from her eyes. She sat up, seeing her father's name and number flashing on the screen. Likely back from the honeymoon, wanting to catch up.

“Hey, dad. How was your trip?”

“...Shouldn't you be working?”

Sigyn suddenly recalled what day it was. Saturday, her long day at the library. Though her dad likely knew she wouldn't answer, he preferred to call and leave voice messages rather than text. He hadn't expected her to pick up. And she'd all but forgotten her usual schedule, cursing herself for answering.

“Um,” Sigyn replied. “I'm...I'm off work for now.”

“For now? What do you mean? Are you sick?”

Sigyn's mouth went dry. She knew she'd have to tell her father the truth eventually, but she'd hoped to have a little more time to prepare. But there was no sense in delaying further, otherwise she'd be lying to him.

“Dad, something happened to me while you were gone,” she began, tugging a curl of her hair. “I um, when I wasn't feeling well at the wedding? It turned out, my heart valve was damaged. I-I wound up having surgery...so that's why I'm not at work, or in class.”

A pause. “ _What?_ ”

“I...it was over Halloween and I collapsed and they told me I had to have surgery or, or my heart would fail. I didn't want to say anything be-because you were on vacation and I had to have it soon and...and...”

“Wh...When were you planning to tell me?” Walt's voice cracked slightly over the phone.

“When you got back.” Sigyn suddenly felt small, foolish at her answer. “I wanted you to enjoy your vacation.”

“Does Idunn know about this?”

“No,” Sigyn answered. “I was afraid she'd tell you.”

“So you went through a major, life-threatening surgery and didn't tell your own family? You were just going to casually mention it one day?” Her father's voice rose, but not so much from anger as hurt.

“It wasn't like that,” Sigyn protested. “I didn't want to spoil your honeymoon. I didn't want you to drop everything for me.”

“You're my daughter!”

“It was my decision!” Sigyn countered. “And it wasn't as though I was never planning to tell you, just when you got back.”

“I don't believe this. Something that major happened and you chose not to tell us. You chose not to let us be with you. You didn't want me there.”

“Yes I _did_ want you there,” Sigyn retorted, stung by the unfair implications. “I wanted you to be there but you were across an ocean on a trip you'd been wanting for years and I had to figure it out. I had to handle my heart failing out of nowhere and I'm sorry I made a decision you didn't like but it was mine.”

She hung up, heart pounding, not wanting to hear more about a choice she couldn't change. From the corner of her eye she saw Loki looking over at her from the kitchen island. Humiliated that he'd overheard, she got to her feet.

“Are you-”

“I'm going to do my walking.”

Loki blinked. “Do you want company?”

“No.” Sigyn picked up her phone and heart pillow. “I'll be in the lobby.”

With that, she left, down the hall and into the elevator. She replayed the conversation over and over, her father's indignant, hurt tone. They so rarely fought, and the reaction left her rattled. She hadn't expected him to be nonchalant about the news, but she'd hoped he'd understand her reasons. She only wanted him not to worry over her, not to ruin his honeymoon because of her. She was an adult. She didn't need him at her side every moment. He could enjoy his life without fretting about her.

She'd made the right decision.

Right?

She stepped into the lobby, walking the length from the bank of elevators to the corridor leading to the parking garage and back, then from the lobby to the back hall leading to the courtyard and back. Her phone vibrated again, this time Idunn's name appeared on the screen.

“Not her too,” Sigyn grumbled, switching off the phone. She didn't want to hear from Idunn, or her father, or Cynthia, or anyone else about why she screwed up. About how she'd hurt them. Her body ached, her eyes were heavy, her muscles sore, and she couldn't think straight. Of all things, her family's anger was the last thing she needed right now. She'd have to talk to them, but they'd need to wait.

When she returned from her walking, Loki had started dinner. He looked up, questioning. Sigyn shook her head, and he dropped the unspoken inquiry, turning his attention back to his task.

*

A few days later, Sigyn stared at the Courseweb page in front of her, a shock in her system coalescing into a rock at the pit of her stomach, still not quite believing what she saw on her Metadata assignment page.

The XML project grades had been posted. She'd clicked her Assignments page to see the result. And the feedback hit her like a slap.

An F.

Her eyes looked from the awful letter to the comment her professor left: _Not sure what happened here. Please contact me._ One letter. A few terse comments, judging her.

Sigyn stood from her desk and stretched out on her reading chair, her forearm over her eyes. What had happened? She wasn't sure she could fully explain why she'd failed. She'd tried her best, followed along, but in the end she'd muddled through without ever really understanding it.

She'd struggled with certain subjects before, but had always done fairly well in school, staying after for tutoring when needed, taking extra time when studying for her weaker areas. But she'd always passed, even when she'd hoped to do better. She never expected to fail in graduate school, in a field of study she'd chosen and excelled in otherwise. She'd even managed to perform fairly well at her other Metadata assignments. The shock reverberated in her system, overriding even the dull ache of her chest.

She looked up at the ceiling, wondering if she'd ever feel normal again. If every single task she performed from now on would be this fraught. If the threat of failure would always loom in the background.

On her bookshelf sat the stack of discharge papers the hospital had sent her. One of which was a brochure for the cardiac care unit. Sigyn idly flipped through it, eyes trailing over the Testimonials page, full of stories from previous patients, most much older than she, speaking of their new leases on life, the wonderful care, all the hobbies they got enjoy, accompanied by photos of smiling faces and the most photogenic staff. The hospital's website had similar stories, videos set to uplifting music and touting all the latest innovations to in heart health. Such testimonials brought Sigyn little comfort before the surgery and only made her feel even more alone now.

No mention of the almost constant discomfort.

No mention of medication that only worked because it made her so drowsy.

No mention of being barred from even the simplest tasks.

She wondered if any of the patients featured ever felt as low as she did now. Had they failed an assignment? Angered their family? Burdened their already busy partners?

She didn't see her own story reflected in any of the stories. An trajectory, an optimism she couldn't share.

No one's experience was quite like hers. No one could tell her how this would all end. No one could say what she'd ever be normal again once she'd recovered.

She looked over at her laptop, the page bearing the bad news still open. She'd entertained the absurd notion that somehow she'd been wrong and misread the grade, perhaps she'd passed after all. She rose, another glance telling her the brutal truth. She shut the laptop, shrugging off the sting, and left her study.

Wandering into the kitchen, the dishwasher had finished its cycle, the “Clean” button lit. One of a few chores needing done around the condo. One she usually handled, but Loki would need to once he returned from picking up the dry cleaning. He'd need to put the dishes away, make their dinner later, clean up after, all while she just sat around. She hated the idea. She hated how useless she'd become, unable to handle the most simple of tasks.

She looked at the dishwasher. Surely most of their dishes were light enough. If she took her time, she could put them away, even most of them, so Loki wouldn't have to.

She opened the dishwasher, grabbing a tea towel. Starting with the basket of utensils, she slowly put them back into the drawers, just one at a time, then two, then groups of three. So far, so good. With the last of the utensils put away, she moved on to the top rack, with the glassware and mugs. These she put back one by one in the upper cabinet, lifting them over head with a pause in between. A slight strain in her arms and chest, but she kept on until the glasses and mugs were put away.

She swayed a bit, lowering her arms. More pain, but not so much that she needed to stop. She paused again, looking at the dishes remaining. Perhaps she ought to quit, having gotten at least some of the task finished. But she hadn't put away even half of the dishes, and what little she did put back wouldn't be enough to really help Loki. The smaller bowls seemed easy enough, if she slowed down just a little. She opened the next upper cabinet over the sink.

She stacked the two bowls together, lifting them up, stretching further to get them in place. She pushed them by her fingertips, attempting to get them into the cabinet.

A ripping in her chest forced her arms down. Mid-air she lost her grip on the bowls. They crashed down around her, shattering all over the counter top and floors.

Sigyn gripped her chest, grimacing both from pain and fear at the shards of porcelain raining down.

“Please tell me you're not doing what it looks like you're doing.”

Sigyn turned at the sound of Loki's voice, seeing him standing by the kitchen island.

For the first time, Sigyn saw genuine anger in Loki's eyes.

“I...I...”

He advanced. “You're not supposed to raise your arms overhead, you're supposed to lift heavy objects, you _know_ this. And you did anyway.”

“It was just dishes!” Sigyn protested. She straightened, hoping he hadn't noticed her pain. Her hand grew slick, perhaps water from the fallen bowls.

His angry look changed to one of horror as his eyes went to her forearm. She followed his gaze to find a heavy stream of blood flowing down her hand. It wasn't water after all.

In an instant, he was on her, grasping her hand. “Hold it above your head, yes, like that,” he instructed, keeping her hand steady as she raised it over her head as much as her weak arm would allow.

Her legs trembled while her head grew dangerously light at the sight of the blood. “Loki...”

“Easy,” he said. “Very gently, kneel. Hand up, the rest of you, down.” He helped her onto the floor. She tucked her head down, taking deep breaths. “Stay with me...” He swiftly located their first aid kit, popping it open and tending to the wound.

The cut, despite the bleeding, was quite shallow. Loki pressed gauze against the cut, holding tight to staunch the flow. It took far too long for the blood to clot, a direct result of the medication, and a stark reminder of the limits and risks it posed. When the bleeding stopped, Loki carefully taped up the gauze, wrapping the bandage over the wound. He lead her over to the couch, allowing her to lean on him until the danger of fainting passed.

“Sit, keep the arm still. I'll clean up.”

“Loki, I-”

“Sigyn. Please.” He placed his hand on her arm. “Stay. I'll be back.”

Sigyn tilted her head back, cheeks coloring with shame. Her head cleared and her hand had stopped bleeding, but it still stung. She'd tried to help, and instead Loki had to come to her rescue, clean up her mess, and she'd upset him. Each time she tried to progress, things only got worse.

Loki returned from the kitchen, sitting beside her. He said nothing, but the look in his eyes told her he was not pleased.

“I'm sorry, Loki. I didn't mean to break the bowls. I was just trying to help.”

Loki rubbed his face, grunting with frustration. “I am not angry about the bowls, Sigyn. I'm angry because you endangered yourself over _dishes_.”

“I wasn't endangering myself-”

“You lifted your arms overhead repeatedly, you handled heavier objects, you didn't wear gloves...you're on _blood thinners_.”

“I only meant to put a few away so you wouldn't have to do chores all night. I can't stand just sitting around all day while you do everything.”

Loki pursed his lips. “Have you any idea, Sigyn, what it was like holding you limp in my arms on Halloween, shocked and clueless as to what happened?” Loki began. “Or all those hours waiting during surgery, knowing all the while there was a chance I might never see you again? And after, seeing you surrounded by all those machines keeping you alive? Coming home to find you gone? Do you know what it's been like living in fear of losing you?” He let out his breath, looking to her.

“And all the while, watching as you push and push yourself when you _know_ you cannot do certain things yet, you _know_ you haven't healed yet, and you refuse to accept it. And now needlessly taking on chores?” His voice strained. “I almost lost you, and I still might if you don't take your health seriously. I...can't go through that, Sigyn. Please don't make me.”

“I didn't mean to upset you, Loki, but...” Sigyn trailed off, tears brewing in her eyes. “But I'm so tired of being helpless. I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of missing things and all I do is screw things up and...”

Loki furrowed his brow. “What are you screwing up?”

“Not telling my family, making you angry...and I failed an assignment,” Sigyn mumbled. “XML. The one for Metadata. I tried to hard to get it all done and understand and...I just couldn't get right. I don't know what's happening to me.”

“What's happening is you're recovering from heart surgery,” Loki replied, his tone softening. “This was never going to be an easy thing. Your mind and body need time.”

“I know,” Sigyn admitted. “I know, but when you have to live through it, it's different. Every day there's pain, exhaustion, guilt...”

“Guilt?”

“You're doing all this work, taking care of me while I just lay around all day,” Sigyn explained. “I can't walk more then a few yards by myself, I can't clean up after myself, I can't shower or dress properly...and I can't even do my assignments, I'm useless. A burden. I'm draining you.”

“Hey.” Loki pressed his lips to Sigyn's hairline. “You are not useless. Or a burden.”

“It feels that way.”

“You're not. I promise you you're not. You're just unwell.”

“I hate it.”

Loki nuzzled the bridge of her nose. “Talk to me, sweetheart. Tell me what hurts.”

“I'm...lonely. It sounds absurd, because you're here with me but...I'm stuck here all day, I don't get to see anyone while you're out, I don't get to live my life, and I have no one to talk to...my family's mad at me, and...and...I'm so alone all the time. Everything is spinning by without me and I'm forgotten.” Sigyn wiped at her eyes with her uninjured hand. “Being in pain, being alone, everything...I'm trying so hard to be positive, Loki but it's not working. I'm miserable.”

“You don't have to be positive, Sigyn. You don't have to pretend for me, or anyone,” Loki said, gently putting his arm over her shoulder. “You only have to recover. And tell me when you're in need.”

“Yeah...” Sigyn nodded weakly. “Things just really suck right now.”

“I know, love,” Loki whispered. “I know.”

Sigyn rested against Loki's chest, letting the tears she'd held back stream down, a honest expression of everything she'd endured since she'd fallen weeks ago. She wasn't okay, she was hurting, anxious, despondent, restless. Loki held her, gently stroking her back, telling her it was alright, he was here, she

didn't have to hide from him.

“I recall not even two weeks ago you were so weak you couldn't even lay on your side without help. You were comatose for two days after the surgery. You barely spoke,” Loki mused. “And now, you're home. You're walking a little more. You don't need monitored all hours of the day. You are healing, Sigyn. Slowly, but you are.”

Sigyn nodded against him. She shifted forward, wanting nothing more than to be wrapped in his arms. Only Loki could comfort her, soothe her pain, make her feel as though she didn't have to pretend. She craved his nearness, sliding her arms around him and pulling in close.

“I love you,” she murmured into his neck as he embraced her.

“...Sigyn?”

“Mm?”

Loki pulled back for a moment, looking at the how close together they were. “Look at that. We haven't been able to get this close without hurting you.”

Sigyn touched her chest. Still aching with discomfort, but no sharp pain from the pressure of Loki's body against hers. “It didn't hurt me. That's new.”

Loki cupped her chin. “That's healing.”


	9. Amends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sigyn reaches out, yielding both positive and negative results.

Not long after, Sigyn was cleared for short outings, no more than two hours at a day with plenty of rest in between, after her cardiologist appointment. Eager to go somewhere besides the condo, she accompanied Loki on quick errands, first to the nearby CVS to refill her prescriptions. At her request, the doctor had switched her to a lower dosage of pain medication, one that wouldn't make her as drowsy and adjusted her blood thinner doses after checking her INR range. Sigyn left the appointment with a needed dose of optimism, with official reassurance that her recovery was progressing right on schedule. She hoped the hard days would near an end soon, and the new medications would ease some of her distress.

“I've never been excited to get medication before,” Sigyn commented, keeping her heart pillow close to her chest to avoid any sudden jostling. She was self-conscious about bringing the pillow with her, though it was necessary to prevent any potential pain or injury. A quick glance around the pharmacy showed her that no one was any attention to it, though, and soon she stopped worrying about any quick glances in her direction. She adjusted the thick, elastic headband she'd taken to wearing as an alternative to styling her hair, hoping it hid the mess well enough.

“Going out has been good for your spirits,” said Loki, grabbing a plastic hand basket.

“Wow.” Sigyn looked around the aisles, already festooned with holiday decorations, candy, and gifts. She realized how long it had been since she'd been out and about. “Autumn's really almost over.”

“We still have a little time left,” said Loki as they waited in line at the pharmacy area in the back. They passed the clearance aisle were a scant few Halloween and fall decorations sat in a sad, unwanted display. “It hasn't even snowed yet.”

“Just seems like I missed out on a lot, even before being in the hospital,” Sigyn commented, looking over the display of Christmas lights in the corner. “This would have been all orange and black and spooky things when I was healthy, and now this.”

“It happens earlier every year, the encroaching Christmas season,” said Loki. “It's not even Thanksgiving, don't let it fool you.”

“Speaking of which, are you planning to see your family?” Sigyn asked. They took their place in the pharmacy line. “I'm not sure I'm even welcome at mine.” She hadn't spoken to anyone in her family since telling her father the news. A pang of guilt struck her, mixed with reticence at the thought of reaching out. She wasn't looking forward to getting another earful, though she did regret hurting them. And she missed them, too.

“Frigga certainly plans on seeing me, one way or another. I did tell her about your troubles,” said Loki. “You are under no obligation to push yourself for a visit.”

“If you want to stop over and see them, it's okay with me,” Sigyn replied. “Even if I can't make it I won't be upset if you go alone. I don't want to cause a rift between you.”

“I am not leaving you alone on a holiday, Sigyn. Not when everyone else is seeing their families and you're stuck at home,” said Loki. “They can make do without me.”

“We'll figure something out,” Sigyn said. “A lot of it's going to depend on how I'm feeling that day, but don't feel you must stay home with me.”

Loki squeezed Sigyn's hand. “We're going through this together, Sigyn. Your health and well-being is more important than a family squabble.”

“Yeah...” Sigyn replied. “But one squabble is enough.” She wished now she'd chosen differently, but there was little she could do now. She'd hoped to protect her family's feelings, but only alienated them.

“It won't last forever,” Loki assured. “You just need to clear the air.”

“What if they don't want to hear from me?”

“Then you may need to give them more time.”

Sigyn collected her prescriptions, considering Loki's words. She'd gotten too upset to explain herself to her father, and her father had seemed too shocked to listen. She wanted a chance to talk, to make amends, but feared a tirade, or worse, no answer at all.

Loki picked up a few AA batteries and mouthwash before they departed. It was nearing Sigyn's time limit before she needed to get home and rest, and her body did not hesitate to let her know.

After returning to the condo, Sigyn rested while Loki departed to attend a hearing. She curled up on the bed, but wasn't quite drowsy, so she opened her school email, and took a breath. It was time to take Loki's suggestions, beginning with one she wished she'd done earlier. First, she contacted her Metadata professor, explaining her situation and why she'd failed the XML project. Then, onto the other classes, letting her professors know what she'd just gone through, that she'd been trying her best, but she'd be limited in how much she'd be able to accomplish by the semester's end. She didn't know what to expect, if anything, yet clicking send already took some of pressure off.

One task finished, she screwed up her remaining courage and picked up her phone.

“Hey, Sig,” her father answered after 2 rings.

“Hi, Dad. Um, can we talk?”

“Sure.”

Her father seemed receptive, or at least not ready to yell at her, an encouraging sign.

“I'm sorry, about not telling you what happened,” Sigyn began. “I never meant to make you think I didn't want you involved. I never meant to hurt you. I wish I could fully explain why I did it, but the truth is I was in so much shock I was still processing the news myself. I guess I thought not telling anyone would make it less real, somehow. Like it wasn't happening.”

“It hurt, finding out the way we did,” Walt said after a moment. “But I can't imagine what that must have been like for you. I just wish I could have been there for you.”

“I thought I was doing the right thing, so you could enjoy your honeymoon.”

“I couldn't believe you wouldn't want us with you when you were going through a major surgery.”

“Dad, it's not that I didn't want you, but you were far away on a vacation you'd been wanting your whole life,” Sigyn explained. “And I didn't want to ruin it with my problems when I should be handling things myself. You don't have to drop everything for me.”

“Sigyn, you're my daughter. Being your father didn't stop when you turned 18,” Walt said. “You and Idunn are always going to be my top priority. I'm always going to drop things when you need me, and you'll never ruin things by asking me for help. Now, Cynthia and I like to travel, but we love you. We can go on other vacations but we can't get another _you_. We want to be there for you, Sig, and we want you to tell us when things get tough. Okay?”

“Okay,” Sigyn agreed, relieved. She'd needed her family this whole time, and she'd finally gotten their support.

“Now, how have you been managing?” Walt asked. “And is Loki taking good care of you?”

“He's been wonderful,” Sigyn replied. “He didn't leave my side while I was in the hospital, and he's been looking after me ever since. Helping me recover, getting my medications, taking me to the doctors, he's even been taking time away from work to be with me.”

“A lawyer? Taking time away from his career? He really loves you, Sig,” said Walt. “He looks at you like there's no one else in the world.”

“Yeah.” Sigyn looked over her shoulder at Loki's side of the bed, suddenly vulnerable. “I don't know what I did.”

“What do you mean?”

“What I did to end up with him. I don't know why he wants to be with me,” Sigyn confessed. “Sometimes, I think I'm not worth it. Especially now. I can't possibly make up for everything he's done for me.”

“Hey now. What's making you feel that way?”

Sigyn shrugged. “It's nothing he's said or done, just...I look at him and wonder why he chose me, when he could be with anyone. And now, I don't think anything I can say or do that would repay him, or make all the effort worthwhile.”

“Love's not a contest, Sig,” said Walt. “When things get rough you support your partner because you want them to be happy. You stick together because you want to help each other, not because you expect repayment. Now, I don't know what goes on between you two, but I'd bet you do a lot for Loki, maybe things you don't even realize.”

“Maybe...” Sigyn traced the hem of the comforter, set in the middle of the luxurious condo where she lived solely because Loki had invited her. How her life had become so thoroughly ensconced in his, how she couldn't imagine life without him, someone she hadn't even known a year ago. “It's hard to believe it's real, that I found someone like him.”

“Sig, when I saw him with you at the wedding, I saw someone who knew damn well how lucky he was to have you. If anything, it seemed like he couldn't believe he'd found you. It's real. Whether you fully understand it or not, it's real.”

“Yeah,” Sigyn nodded, her spirits lifting. “I guess you're right.”

“Good. So how can we help you two while you're recovering? What do you need from us?”

“Actually, I'd love to just meet up and talk,” Sigyn said. “I'm really missing everyone. I can't be out longer than 2 hours, but even a quick visit would be nice.”

“We can do that,” said Walt. “Whenever you're ready.”

*

They'd agreed to meet the following Saturday, at the tea shop near the university. Not far for Sigyn, but out of the condo and informal. That morning, Sigyn looked over her closet, scouring for garments that were easy to put on but not her usual pajamas and fleece leggings. She'd managed to finagle her headband into place, though the neglect was obvious.

“Sigyn?”

She followed Loki's voice into the bathroom. She found him crouched at the edge of the tub, a few folded towels lining the porcelain edge. He'd rolled up his sleeves and run the water. Her shampoo and conditioner bottles on the floor near his knees. He looked up at her with a soft smile.

“Come,” he motioned for her to sit near him. “We're going to wash your hair.”

Sigyn tugged at a curl on her shoulder, looking at Loki. Had he been embarrassed by her appearance lately?

“It bothers you, doesn't it?” Loki asked. “You haven't been able to care for it properly.”

“I've tried,” said Sigyn. “But it's been too hard with my arms...”

“Then I am happy to help, if helps you feel better.”

Sigyn sat with her back against the edge of the tub, pulling off the headband. Loki gathered up her hair as she tilted her head back, settling her neck onto the rolled towel. He took down the shower head and ran it over her scalp, taking care not to wet her face.

A deep tingle shot down her spine as a stream of lukewarm water soaked her strands. Open and supine, with Loki's body on top of hers, hips nearly aligned with her pelvis, his hands buried in her hair, his single-minded focus, so close she could hear his heart beat and his breath against her skin, the most intimate they'd been in ages, Sigyn's body stirred, reminding her just how much she'd missed moments like this with Loki.

His fingers returned to her scalp, working the shampoo along her hairline until it lathered. So deep and thorough, Sigyn moaned just a little from the tactile tranquility, her body going slack amid the serenity Loki's ministrations induced.

“That feel good, love?”

“Uh-huh...”

“Shall I keep going?”

“Uh-huh!”

Loki massaged her scalp with just a bit more intensity, working in little circles from the front to the sides and back, even dipping lower to rub her earlobes. Another little moan slipped from Sigyn's throat, . How she'd been craving the pleasure that only Loki's touch could draw from her. How she'd longed for the time when she could have his body over hers properly. She raised up a little to grant Loki access to the back of her head and neck. Judging by the look in his eyes, he'd been missing her body quite a bit, too.

His arms slid around her back, hands still tangled in her hair, propping her up. Sigyn steadied herself by bringing her arms around his waist, settling just over his hips. Their eyes met in mutual yearning, and Loki's lips brushed over hers. Sigyn returned the favor, kissing him firmly, finding him pliant and desiring of her touch. He pulled her in, deepening their connection. Sigyn's knees rose, both for balance and the way the sweet bliss coursed through her body and writhed her legs.

Loki's hand slid down her scalp and down her neck. He shifted forward, deepening the kiss.

The moment came to a halt when he caressed her cheek, leaving a trail of lather down her face.

“Oh. Right,” Loki said, easing back.

Sigyn laughed. “We're not quite _there_ yet, anyway.”

Loki finished lathering her scalp, turning the water back on. He rinsed her hair, one hand shielding her forehead from the water, the other guiding the shower head. Sigyn relaxed again, at the warm water trailing along her head.

“Conditioner?”

“Yes, on the ends.”

Loki reached for the bottle of conditioner, gently applying it to her strands.

“You've an impressive array of tresses,” he commented.

“If it's annoying you don't have to-”

“Not annoying at all,” said Loki. “I wish we'd tried this sooner.”

With a final rinse, he finished up, placing a towel over her head. He helped her up, taking her before the bathroom mirror.

“How shall we style it? Long and loose? A ponytail? A lovely braid?”

“A braid, I think,” said Sigyn. “It takes a little practice getting the curls right if you're not used to it.”

“Excellent choice.” Loki combed her strands back off her face. He gently blow-dried her tresses before separating the sides from the back and weaving them into a braid. Sigyn provided a little more instruction, which products to use and when, but mostly quieted, content to enjoy Loki's touches. He was attentive, careful not to tug too hard, and put his dexterity to good use.

“There.” Loki finished by secured the braid with a hair tie. “Better?”

“Much!” Sigyn replied, running her hand over the braid. Her hair looked, and felt, better than it had in weeks and Loki had done a fine job taking care of it for her. A small thing, but one that refreshed her, made her feel less sickly. She kissed Loki's cheek. “Thank you, love.”

Pleased at seeing her hair properly washed and styled, Sigyn finished getting dressed, selecting a loose cable-knit purple cardigan and a yellow button-down blouse that didn't irritate her incision. She added her yellow scarf, tying the ends in front of her collarbone to hide her scar. It took her some time to get ready, between the discomfort and extra effort, but worth the extra time.

When they arrived at the Silent Tempest tea shop, Walt, Cynthia and Idunn were already there, seated at a little booth near the front window. Sigyn quickened her pace, eager to see her family in person again after such a long time in isolation.

“Sig!” Walt stood, lightly hugging his daughter. “How are you?”

“A little tired, but better,” Sigyn answered as Loki pulled a chair out for her. She set her heart pillow in her lap while Idunn handed her a menu.

“I'm so sorry about what happened,” Cynthia said while Sigyn and Loki were settled. She patted Sigyn's arm. “You're so young for something like that.”

“Yeah...” Sigyn shifted in her seat, noticing the stricken look on Loki's face. “But I don't want to think about my surgery right now. Did you have a good honeymoon?”

Walt and Cynthia exchanged smiles. “We did,” said Cynthia.

“I'd like to hear about all the places you saw.”

“In a minute. We'll order first,” said Walt, puzzling over the menu. “Who knew so much tea existed.”

“There's a caramel apple blend they just added,” Sigyn commented, looking over the seasonal page. “Loki, there's also a maple oolong. That's new.”

“You two come here a lot?” Idunn asked, flipping through the extensive menu.

“Occasionally,” said Sigyn. “But we haven't gotten through even a quarter of the selection yet.”

Once they'd made their choices and ordered, Sigyn turned her attention back to Cynthia and Walt. “Europe. I want to hear all about it. Do you have pictures?”

“You're in luck.” Cynthia pulled out her tablet. “I did bring along our pictures.”

“But first, we also brought you two a little something from the trip,” said Walt. He handed over a wrapped box tied with a red ribbon. Sigyn opened it to reveal a box of brightly-colored chocolate truffles.

“Oh wow,” said Sigyn. “Thank you!”

“Straight from Belgium,” said Cynthia. “Now, onto the pictures?”

Cynthia's presentation was disrupted when Idunn spotted something from the window. A foreboding looks crossed her face that instantly changed to a forced grin and a little wave.

“Um.” Idunn pointed to the window. “Was she invited?” Everyone turned to look.

Sigyn's cheer vanished at the sight of the newcomer, her haughty demeanor and clicking heels impossible to mistake for anyone else.

Aunt Hilda.

“She wrangled it out of me,” Cynthia said under her breath, a note of apology in her voice.

“Oh there you are!” Hilda trilled, brushing through the entrance and taking a chair from a nearby table, ignoring the indignant glances of the people occupying it. “First a return from vacation and now _this one_ -” Hilda pointed to Sigyn - “goes and has surgery on us and as usual I'm the last to know about anything.”

_Goes and has surgery, as though it was an impulsive weekend excursion I did out of boredom,_ Sigyn thought. _At least I only have less than two hours to deal with her._

“Hilda, hi,” Walt said, genial amid the palpable awkwardness at the table. “Sorry, this was all very last minute.”

“Oh sure, Walt,” Hilda tsked. “I know you've been a little lovesick and not thinking straight.” She attention turned to Sigyn. “And you, dear, leaving out your whole family-”

“We've talked about it,” Idunn cut in. “We're good.”

“Well anyway,” Hilda went on. “Just because you don't feel well is no reason to do around looking all sick-”

Sigyn looked down at her pillow. “Um.”

“Back to photos!” Cynthia chirped, returning to showing off the tablet, now with her and Walt in front of the Eiffel Tower. “Of course, we had to get a photo here, but what I really loved was the Musee D'orsay. Sigyn, you'd love it.”

Sigyn tried to focus on Cynthia's photos, wanting to hear about their vacation, but Hilda's presence disturbed her. In the back of her mind she hoped her aunt wouldn't make comments. But while everyone else's eyes were on the tablet, Hilda's landed squarely on Sigyn.

An abrupt yank on her scarf dashed those hopes.

Hilda gasped, pulling the ends of Sigyn's scarf loose, revealing the top line of her incision scar. “You've been _butchered_!”

Sigyn clutched her scarf, shaking from the violated feeling. “I had _surgery_.”

Walt, Idunn, Cynthia looked mortified. Loki looked furious.

“Honey, look at you,” Hilda wailed. “Look at that awful hatchet job they did, how could you let them-”

“I 'let' them because I had heart failure,” Sigyn explained through clenched teeth. “Which could have killed me if they didn't operate.”

“Oh no, no, no,” Hilda gasped. “I can't believe what they did to you!”

“It was either a line down my chest or blue fingertips and coughing up blood,” Sigyn kept her voice firm, but her body flushed from humiliation over Hilda's histrionics. “What the surgeons did was save my life.”

“But you were so pretty,” Hilda lamented. “Oh well, I supposed we'll have to get you more turtlenecks.”

“I don't want turtlenecks,” Sigyn replied, exasperated. “Please stop talking about my scar.”

Unfazed, Hilda turned to Loki. “And you're okay with this? Loving a disfigured woman?”

“Enough!” Sigyn slammed her fist on the table, not caring if she drew attention from the other tables. “I am not disfigured. I am not butchered. I am not ugly. But I am tired of hearing your comments.” She stood, snatching her pillow and leaving the table. She left the tea shop, too upset to care she'd left her pillow.

“Well I was just being honest,” Hilda huffed in the stunned silence.

Disgusted, Loki rolled his eyes, picked up Sigyn's pillow, and followed after her. She couldn't have gone far, but he feared the impact the distress would have on her.

He found her around the corner, seated on a nearby bench, still clutching her scarf, face crimson from humiliation, anger, and hurt.

Loki took a seat next to her, handing over the pillow. “She's wrong. There is nothing wrong with your scar. It doesn't mean you're less attractive.”

“It's not my scar, it's _her_ ,” Sigyn fumed. “All my life she's made me feel as though being pretty is the only thing about me that matters. As though my appearance is the only value I have. It doesn't matter what I've accomplished, who I am, what my interests are, appearances are all the cares about. She doesn't even care how her comments make me feel. She says them anyway.”

Loki, no stranger to unkind, unwelcome comments himself, nodded. He wished he'd said something to Hilda, but he cared more about Sigyn than he did about telling the woman off.

“She should not say such things,” he said at length. “You know her opinions don't matter, but it still hurts.”

“And just when I thought I was past her comments, this happens. I've been trying so hard to heal, to get my health back, but all she sees is a scar. I was going through heart failure and she'd rather I suffer and die than risk not being pretty.” Sigyn shook her head. “I'm sick of it. I'm sick of constantly fending off her opinions. She does it with everybody but I've always gotten it worse. I don't want to be around her. I don't want to go back in if she's there.”

“I am sorry she spoiled your outing,” said Loki, putting his arm over her. “She is just words, Sigyn. Not one of which mattered. We won't go back if you don't wish it. I'll collect your things if you want to go home.”

“I know, Loki,” Sigyn leaned her head on his shoulder. “I wish I could just ignore her but she gets under my skin. She knows exactly where I'm weak.”

“You're not weak,” said Loki. “I'm proud of you for standing up to her.”

“It was the last straw. She's always been thoughtless, but going after my scar was just cruel.”

“It was.”

“And she knew! She knew I had the scarf on to cover it and that was why she grabbed it.”

Idunn appeared from around the corner. Sigyn looked up and waved.

“She's gone,” Idunn said, walking up to the bench. “Dad's pretty pissed at her. Cyn's appalled. I don't think they've ever seen her go after you like that.”

“Good,” said Loki. “Now they know.”

“I can't believe she sank that low,” Idunn went on. “She's done it to me too, but she targets Sigyn more than anyone.”

“Because I'm too sensitive.”

“No, you're not at fault,” said Loki. “You can be as sensitive as you wish. She doesn't get to torment you for it.”

“Hey, I don't want you two to leave on a bad note,” Idunn said. “We can deal with the Hilda stuff later, but the tea's served. You wanna try again? Finish looking at the pictures?”

Sigyn checked the time. A little over an hour before her limit. The afternoon sun was getting low, and warm tea and vacation photos appealed to her. Aunt Hilda may have made her afternoon unpleasant, but she wasn't going to let her comments ruin her day.

She met Loki's eyes. He nodded in encouragement, supporting whatever she wished to do.

“Alright,” Sigyn replied, Exhausted, yet relieved, she allowed Loki to help her up. “Let's finish our tea.”


	10. Thankful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki and Sigyn break with tradition in more ways than one when an unexpected visitor comes by.

When Thanksgiving did come around, Loki and Sigyn opted to stay in. The confrontation with Aunt Hilda, while necessary, set off a few bad days for Sigyn, and thus she wasn't up to any additional visits. She'd been watching the national dog show most of the morning, and they'd planned to spend most of the day snuggled together. First, though, Loki had a few tasks to handle, such as the laundry.

Loki spent part of the early afternoon in the lower-level laundromat, taking advantage of the relatively empty building to have his pick of the washers and dryers. As he loaded the washer, he noticed a number of his old shirts smelled of Sigyn's lavender body lotion, and a few others of the amber lotion she'd started using recently.

So that explained how he'd gone through so many shirts, finding several that he didn't recall wearing in the hamper. It seemed Sigyn had taken a liking to his clothing, perhaps finding his shirts more comfortable against her skin. Or, perhaps, she favored his garments in order to feel closer to him while he endured long hours at the firm. Amused, and, oddly touched, he settled the shirts into the washer, unable to hide a small smile at the sign of her love for him, and the notion that something of his offered her even a little more comfort when she needed it.

When he finished up the last load, pulling the wonderfully hot towels from the dyer, he hauled the hamper back up to the condo, hoisting it against his hip. He found Sigyn exactly where he'd left her, camped out in the living room, a pecan pie scented candle burning on the coffee table. Her mere presence heartened the entire space, brightening the very air around her. Struck by how she'd effortlessly enhanced Loki's home just by living with him, gratitude welled within him as she perked up from the sofa.

“Welcome back.” Sigyn stretched out for a moment before moving over to allow a space for Loki. “You just missed the Whippets.”

“Ah. I'll see the best one in a bit,” Loki replied, offering the hamper. “Feeling up to folding?” He'd been letting Sigyn help out with some of the chores, here and there, if she was feeling well. Being able to assist, even with small things, was important to her, and seemed to improve her mood.

Sigyn sat up. “Sure.”

Loki set the full hamper down between them, taking a seat on the edge of the sofa. He handed over some socks and shirts for Sigyn to fold, while he started on the towels.

“Idunn says hi,” Sigyn commented, matching up pairs of socks. Her sister was hosting Thanksgiving this year, and Sigyn wished she could have made it, but her health had to come first. “She called while you were downstairs.”

“And how is she?”

“Good. A little stressed, I think, since this is her first year having family over,” Sigyn replied. “I needed to coach her through making the dinner rolls.”

“I take that is usually your contribution?”

Sigyn nodded. “And the cranberry sauce. Although I think it's best that we stayed home this year.”

“Is the pain troubling you?”

“I've been doing okay so far, pain-wise. But I hear Hilda has been on a tear since the tea shop.”

Loki tsked. “Has she at least learned anything?”

“She has, but it's not exactly the takeaway I was hoping for.”

“Oh?”

“According to her, I've gotten conceited and turned into a diva,” Sigyn said. “But that's not the most irritating part.”

“What is that?”

“Well... I wasn't sure if I should tell you, but it might be important for you to understand about her,” Sigyn replied. “It seems you're to blame.”

“Is that so?”

“She thinks you're a bad influence on me, that there's no way I would have 'copped an attitude' with her if you hadn't made me arrogant.” Sigyn snorted, adding to her pile of matched and folded socks. “As though I'm an impressionable young child and not an adult with my own mind.”

“Why does she think I made you arrogant?”

“I'm guessing it's because she thinks being involved with someone so far 'above' me made me think too highly of myself. It's really not your fault. It's how she is...” Sigyn sighed. “She just can't ever be wrong. Things just can't ever be her fault.”

“If it stops her chipping away your self-worth, I am happy to play the villain,” said Loki. It was certainly not the first time he'd found himself cast in such a role, though at least this time it was for a cause he favored. “Let's let her think that, shall we?”

“Why not? It's not wholly inaccurate,” said Sigyn.

Loki paused his folding. “How so?”

“She is right, but as usual not in the way she thinks. I _never_ liked her comments, but you helped me see that keeping the peace wasn't worth the toll it takes on me,” Sigyn explained. She set aside her laundry and moved closer to Loki, placing her hand on his. “Seeing you work through your own issues with your family made me realize I don't have to put up with mistreatment just because someone is related to me. You put up boundaries and said what you needed to say, even if it was hard to disrupt the status quo. So you did help me stand up to her, because you inspired me.”

Loki looked away for a moment, a surge of guilt rising. In a way he was glad Sigyn provided an easy excuse to avoid another painfully awkward family gathering, though it was clear Frigga hadn't fully accepted his reason for not attending. He feared she might come to blame Sigyn for Loki's distance, see her as a threat to the long entrenched family dynamics that Odin had wired into place, unyielding even in his death. Loki might be willing to play the villain, but to assign such a role to Sigyn would be patently unfair.

“Let us hope they listen,” said Loki.

“If they want to be part of our lives, they will,” Sigyn declared. “We are to be treated with kindness and respect. It's the price of admission for our company, and not a steep one.”

Loki squeezed Sigyn's hand, looking at her as the guilt dissolved. His resolve had come close to wavering when it came to drawing up his boundaries, to shaking off the impossible expectations and rejecting his role in the dysfunction. But when it did, Sigyn's faith and encouragement reminded him he was doing to the right thing. For himself. And for her.

They continued folding until the last of the garments were neatly organized and ready for to be put away.

Sigyn perked up when a group beagles appeared on screen. “Ooh! So cute!”

Loki couldn't help but smile at her reaction to the dogs. “You'd like one of your own someday, wouldn't you?”

“Someday, yes,” Sigyn replied. “Any kind of pet, really. Although I think we're both a little too busy to care for one right now. Would you?”

“I could be persuaded,” said Loki, though he had no idea, with his career, if he'd ever be less busy before he reached retirement. The demands of legal practice, which he'd chased with boundless energy in his youth, wore at him now. The prospect of another few decades at his current pace did not excite him at all. “For the right kind of pet, in time. Have you a preference?”

“Not one that's too small,” Sigyn said. “Otherwise I'd be worried about accidentally stepping on it. One that wants to accompany me on my walks. Very social and friendly. But not crazy hyper. Though I'd be happy going to the animal shelter and finding one that's a good fit for us. And you?”

“I hadn't given it much thought,” Loki confessed. “Though I am quickly warming to the idea.”

The afternoon passed quickly into the evening, with Sigyn dozing on and off. She'd found a Turkey Day Bad Movie Marathon after the dog show. Loki allowed her to curl up on his shoulder, listening to her laugh. There was work to do, emails to answer and doc review, needling at the back of his mind, but he didn't want to get up. He liked staying home with her, he liked having a reason not to go in, having something more important than work. Still, with his caseload, he ought to at least check...

Sigyn leaned back, burrowing closer into Loki with a little hum.

_Well, that settles it_ Loki thought, resting his arm over her waist. _I can't get up now._

How small his world had been, before she came along, Loki mused. A lawyer, absorbed in his career, caught up in ambition, surrounded only by other lawyers, caught up in theirs. A guard always up, even in occasions of alleged camaraderie. A distinct hierarchy, one was either a stepping stone or to be stepped on, or somewhere in between. No time for himself, for his own hobbies, always striving for the next step, the next big moment. Only recently had he achieved enough clout that he could even fathom taking some time off. He'd been away from the firm more within the past year than he had in his entire career. And he didn't miss it.

But Sigyn would recover soon, returning to her classes and her own work, and he wouldn't be needed at home. He'd return to Laufey's firm in earnest, locked in an endless arms race with the other associates, competing to see who stayed the latest each day, who took on the biggest workload, landed the best cases, took the least amount of time off.

The final one, Loki realized, he'd fallen well behind. He'd need to do some serious catching up when he returned, if he was to stay in the running for Laufey's esteem.

The prospect annoyed him.

But not as much as his phone ringing, now bearing his brother's name on the screen. Had he decided to get involved, to chide Loki on Frigga's behalf? Bracing himself, he picked up, if only to tell Thor to leave him alone.

“ _Yes_ , brother?”

“Loki! Are you in a good mood?” Thor asked, his voice carrying beyond the tiny speaker. So much so that Sigyn lifted her head to peer up at Loki.

“Are you asking because you're about to put me in a bad mood?”

“Mother told me about Sigyn,” said Thor. “Listen, I'm getting ready to leave. Do you want me to come by and bring you two some leftovers?”

Loki paused, unused to such an act of unprompted generosity from his brother. He suspected it was truly Frigga's work. His suspicions rose, pondering what strings were attached. Did Frigga want to send Thor to check if Sigyn really was recovering from surgery? Impose familial duties on him however they could? Twist the knife of guilt, perhaps?

Much as he did not wish to disturb the peace, the offer of leftovers proved slightly tempted. Sigyn and Loki hadn't planned out quite what to do for dinner. There were a few frozen things available, but nothing he particularly desired. And if Frigga truly did wish to suss out whether Loki was lying about Sigyn's condition, declining Thor's offer would only feed her suspicions.

He looked down at Sigyn for guidance. She was close enough to hear Thor's voice on the phone. “I'll do what you want,” she mouthed at him, giving an encouraging nod.

“We are amenable. You may come by,” Loki agreed, resigned to the disruption. At least Frigga would have her evidence and Loki would be spared cooking. “Two hours, no more.”

Thor arrived half an hour later. Dressed in a burgundy blazer over a dark t-shirt and his hair back in a low ponytail, he looked more formal than Loki typically saw him. Formal, and, strangely, hesitant. He held up the plastic bag filled with tupperware in supplication.

“Thor.”

“Brother.”

They stood on either side of the doorway, motionless, wordless, until Sigyn leaned over from her spot on the sofa, huddled under the blanket to cover most of her body and head. Loki insisted that Sigyn not fuss over her appearance on Thor's account, that she stay exactly as she was. She waved, catching Thor's attention and Loki's glance.

“Sigyn. Hi,” Thor nodded at her while Loki at last moved aside to allow Thor in. As he came in, Loki noticed a little bundle of yellow flowers in Thor's other hand. Thor held up the flowers, offering them to Sigyn. “These are for you.”

“Oh thank you,” Sigyn replied, accepting the bouquet. It included a little bee-shaped card with the phrase _Bee Well Soon_ on the back. “These are lovely.”

“I'm very sorry to hear of your troubles,” Thor said. He took a seat in the recliner near the sofa while Loki took the bag of leftovers to the kitchen. “How are you?”

“It's been a little rough,” Sigyn answered. “But it's slowly getting better. Would you like something to drink? We have...I'm not sure.” She stood, ready to to join Loki in the kitchen. Before she could move any further, she dropped, gripping the armrest. “Oh!”

“Sigyn?” Thor leaned over to support her.

Loki leapt over to her within seconds, taking her waist. “Darling!”

“I'm okay.” Sigyn caught her breath as Loki steadied her. “Dizzy spell, that's all.”

Loki turned to Thor. “Get her some water?”

Thor went to the kitchen while Loki eased Sigyn back onto the cushions. “Take it easy,” he said. “Stay where you are.”

“Stood up too fast,” Sigyn replied, rubbing her forehead. “Nothing to fuss over.”

Thor returned with the glass of water. “You're probably dehydrated,” he said.

“Do you need to lie down?” Loki looked her over. “You're a bit flushed.”

Sigyn gratefully sipped at the glass, catching her breath. “I'm fine, Loki, really.”

Loki remained by her side, arm secure over her hip. Sigyn sipped until the crimson left her cheeks and her head cleared. “Much better,” she said once she'd finished her water with a reassuring smile. “I'm good. A little hungry, though.”

Danger passed, Loki returned to the kitchen, leaving Thor and Sigyn in the living room. They sat across from one another, smiling politely.

“How have you been?” Sigyn asked after a moment. Loki still milled about in the kitchen, and she was still wary of Thor after their last meeting.

“I am well,” said Thor. “And you?”

“I'm good, aside from, well...” Sigyn gestured at her collarbone.

“Did it hurt?”

“Well, I wasn't awake for most of it, but yeah. It did. It does.”

Another lull. Thor's gaze turned to looking over the condo's furnishing while Sigyn silently pleaded for Loki to return to the living area, but he seemed in no hurry to get back to his brother.

“How is work?” Sigyn tried again. “Construction, right?”

“Right.”

“Are you wrapping up for the season?”

“We are.”

“Neat.”

Thor and Sigyn nodded at one another a few seconds too long. Loki mercifully returned to the living area, two plates of leftovers in hand. He set one on the coffee table before Sigyn before taking his place beside her.

“This stuffing is delicious,” Sigyn remarked. “Who made it?”

“I did, actually,” said Thor. “My first attempt.”

“It's a very good attempt,” Sigyn replied. Thor smiled, pleased by her feedback.

While Loki and Sigyn ate, Thor kept them company for a while. Loki asked after Frigga and Hela, who both seemed to be doing well, their bond restoring without Odin coming between them.

“And I've also been in touch with Jane,” Thor added.

Loki quirked a brow. “Have you?”

“We're friendly. We're friends,” Thor replied. “It's been good.”

“And is she still in Princeton?”

“Yes,” Thor answered, his voice tinged with regret. “But she's visiting over the holiday.”

“Ah.”

Sigyn remained quiet. She'd finished her plate, setting it down on the coffee table. Thor had also brought along pie and pretzel salad, but she was already quite full. Her head drooped to the side, and she just barely supported it with her right hand. Her eyes closed for long periods, opened for a few seconds, then opened again.

Her arm dropped from under her head, and she jolted awake when she started to fall.

Loki stroked her arm. “Darling, are you needing rest?”

“Yeah...little sleepy.”

“Alright.” Loki helped her up. “Let's get you to bed.”

“Mmph...wanted to chat more” Sigyn murmured, rubbing her eyes. “Probably time.”

Loki took her by the elbow, guiding her away from the sofa. “We can chat more tomorrow, come along.”

Sigyn turned to Thor with a little wave. “Thanks for coming, Thor. And for food. And flowers.”

Thor waved back. “Get well.”

Loki guided her down the hall into the bedroom. She was fading fast, and he helped her into her pink cotton pajamas, then pulled back the covers as she tucked in.

“I'll see you in a bit, sweetheart.” He kissed her cheek. “I won't be long.”

Loki returned to the living room, finding Thor still seated, looking at Loki as though he didn't recognize him.

“You're soft with her, Loki. She really has changed you.”

Loki bristled at the comment, sensing the insult under the surface. “And what on earth does that mean?”

“It's a compliment,” Thor explained. “You were never the nurturing type!”

“You've no idea what _type_ I am,” Loki hissed, stung. Thor, always thinking he knew Loki so well despite only ever thinking of his worst traits. “You know nothing of me. You never have.”

“Of course I know you!” Thor started to bellow, then glanced down the hallway and quieted, his voice a low rumble. “You're my brother. I've never seen you act like that before she came along.”

“You never bothered to look.”

“What on earth does _that_ mean?” Thor demanded.

“If you understood even one thing about me you wouldn't be standing there in slack-jawed amazement,” Loki seethed. “What's this? Loki, my selfish, unfeeling, wayward brother has _goodness_ in him? _Kindness_? No, surely this must be _her_ doing.”

“Every time I try to be nice to you, you just get angry with me,” Thor grumbled. “You always look for grievances and invent slights if you can't find any. Next time I won't bother.”

“Kindly refrain from insulting me in my own home.”

“I came here to be kind to you,” Thor growled. “And you immediately attack me as soon as we're alone. Maybe you haven't changed after all.”

“Then perhaps you ought to take your leave,” said Loki. “You've done your good deed and Mother has her evidence.”

“What?”

“That is why she sent you, is it not? She doubts my integrity.”

“Mother doesn't know I came here.”

“Then why did you come? To see for yourself? To ogle our misery? ”

Now it was Thor's turn to take umbrage. “Is that what you think? I'm too arrogant to think of something like this on my own? Too stupid? Why is it so hard for you to accept kindness?”

“I don't recall begging you to come here.”

“But you allowed me to come here.”

“You wanted to come here. Why?”

“Because I am trying to fix things,” Thor replied, exasperated. “I thought you'd be with us today and we could work things out, have a pleasant time for once. I came here because I didn't want you to think we'd forgotten you.”

Loki sighed, his suspicions, teetering on paranoia, looked foolish in light of Thor's presence in his condo. For all his flaws, Thor was not a master of deception and subterfuge. If his offer had strings attached, or he was acting on Frigga's behalf, he'd show it on every inch on his face.

How broken were they? That even so simple a gesture ended like this?

“Perhaps it would be better if you did,” Loki muttered, defeated.

“Hey look, I don't want us at each other's throats all the time, and I don't think you want that either,” said Thor. “Maybe I am an arrogant blockhead. But I'm an arrogant blockhead to who wants to make things better. But I need your help. I can't fix things if I don't know what went wrong.”

“You wouldn't understand.”

“You won't let me try.”

Loki took a breath. “I am soft with Sigyn because she _allows_ me. She allows me to be who I am, without judgment, without mockery, without assuming the worst of every thing I say and do.” Loki glanced down the hall toward to bedroom. “She doesn't lock me in a box of all my worst qualities and refuse to see anything else. She forgives. She understands. She...she _loves_ me. I have never had to question her love for me.”

“How was I to know that? You don't let me get close to see anything else.”

Loki shook his head, clenching his jaw. “You are all so _shocked_ whenever I show any sign that I might- _might_ \- not be a callous, amoral failure of a son and brother.” A stray tear ran down his cheek, but he did not bother to brush it away. “And yet, time and time again I have been there by your side when you've asked it of me, I have helped all of you when you needed me, only to be dismissed and ridiculed in return. And each time it comes as some sort of surprise, as though you have no idea I am capable of kindness! How much more will it take? What more must I do to prove it? When will you stop relegating me to the black sheep role in this family?”

Loki braced himself for Thor's temper, for the tirade of blame, of pointing out every wrong thing Loki had ever done that would surely follow. He waited, for the scowl, the low growl before the eruption. He waited for it. He almost wanted it, to get it over with.

But the rage never came. Thor's expression neither hardened, nor softened. Instead, his eyes fixed on Loki with a look that bordered on comprehension.

“Do you not see that's what I am trying to fix?” Thor asked after a while.

Stunned by this unexpected turn from his short-tempered brother, Loki stared back, incredulous. His own admission of raw honesty followed by Thor's uncharacteristic restraint caught him off-guard. So often had he been down a road of familial strife that he could predict each and every outburst and jab down to the second, with a comeback always at the ready. But this strange turn of events had him stumped.

“What makes you think I want you to fix this?” Loki's voice strained under the weight of his vulnerability.

“Would you prefer to not see me at all? Is that what you truly want?”

Loki's words caught in his throat. Self-preservation required that he avoid his family, but he never truly wished to never see them again. For all his efforts to keep them at arm's length, he never desired to part ways for good. He simply could not bear to think this might be the last time he'd ever see his brother.

Thor started to put on his jacket. “If that is what you want...okay,” he said when Loki didn't respond.

“No,” Loki's voice returned as Thor started towards the door. “No, that's not what I want, Thor.”

Thor paused, turning back to Loki. “Then what is it you _do_ want from me?”

“Time,” said Loki, the word slipping out just as he struggled to formulate a response. He kept his composure, though his whole body teetering on the brink of quaking. “Patience.”

Thor took his hand off the doorknob, crossing back over to meet Loki in the middle of the living area. He clapped Loki's shoulder. “You will have it. Will you grant me trust and candor in return?”

Loki nodded. “I can.”

“I can live with that,” said Thor, with an agreeable grin.

Loki let out his breath. “Thank you, Thor. For coming here. And for thinking of Sigyn.”

“I was thinking of you, too, brother.”

After a brief hesitation, Thor's arms circled over Loki's shoulders. Loki's eye brows shot up his forehead, but his arms tentatively embraced Thor. For the first time in years.

When Thor departed, Loki cleared the plates off the coffee table, suddenly too drained to do more than place them in the sink for tomorrow. He switched off the lights, making his way into the bedroom to join Sigyn. She'd left the table lamp on, unbothered by sleeping in partial light.

“Are you okay?” Her voice was heavy with sleep. “Thought I heard arguing.”

“It's alright,” said Loki, removing his shirt and changing into his flannel pajama pants. “Nothing to worry about.”

“I hope it wasn't too awkward,” Sigyn opened her eyes a little more while Loki slid into bed beside her. “He's trying. Good effort, if clumsy execution.”

“Not nearly as bad as other visits,” Loki replied. He had no desire to rehash the details. “ We talked. We hugged. A little. It's something, I suppose.”

Sigyn sat up as Loki sat down on the bed. “I'm proud of you, you know,” she said, grazing her thumb over his jaw. “It takes a lot of fortitude and grace to give someone another chance. To forgive.”

“Fortitude? Or folly?” Loki asked. “I still question which side I am on.”

“I don't question it,” Sigyn said softly, looking deep into Loki's eyes. “I know how much you've endured. You're the strongest person I know, Loki. I don't say such things lightly.”

Loki returned her gaze, looking over his beloved. Under the twilight, with a full moon over the city, and only the dim glow of the bedside table lamp, he understood with a little more clarity how much she'd enriched his home, his thoughts, his view of himself. He'd long thought himself undeserving, resigned to whatever scraps of affection and respect anyone deigned to throw at him, all the while striving to keep his dignity intact. That Sigyn saw so much more in him, that she saw someone worthy of love, repudiated all his long-held perceptions. That Sigyn stood by him, stood up for him, forgave him even when he'd hurt her, came to live with him, proved that she loved him more than he dared dream. He never imagined someone like her could love someone like him.

If not for Sigyn, he would have dragged himself over to yet another unpleasant family gathering, arriving as late as possible and departing at the earliest opportunity, grudgingly enduring slight after slight, stifling his anger and pain for the sake of appearances. If not for Sigyn, he never would have accepted help, finding someone to talk to about his pain, slowly working his way to something resembling well-being. If not for Sigyn, he never would have thought he deserved any better.

If not for Sigyn, tonight would not have ended the way it did. 

“Thank you,” he whispered, embracing her, kissing her deep. “Thank heavens for you. I love you.”

When they turned off the light, curling up together under the safe haven of their covers, another, strange notion crossed his mind.

Perhaps Thor was right.

Perhaps Sigyn had changed him.

Just not in the way he thought.


End file.
